Another beautiful day

It was another gorgeous day today in Winnipeg and I got to enjoy some of it outdoors with the pooch.

The day started off getting an oil change, followed by an amazing Indian lunch at one of my favourite Indian restaurants in town - Clay Oven. I ordered their Chicken Thali, which is essentially a chicken platter that gives you the opportunity to try a multitude of different dishes without having to commit to any one certain dish. Of course, as usual, I brought home more than half of it, which will serve perfectly as tomorrow's tasty lunch! :)

After that I went in to work for a bit (on my day off) to see about the outcome of a client concern I had over the weekend, and to drop some stuff off for some colleagues.

I came home afterward and took the pooch out for a long walk. He's always so ecstatically happy to be outside, running around and enjoying all the sights, sounds, and smells. He was pretty tuckered out by the time we got home, and even as I blog, he's sleeping at my feet. Fresh air is a great sleeping pill for dogs! :)

The day started off pretty cool outside, so I had planned on making a big pot of chicken noodle soup, but by the time we came back from our walk, it was close to 25'C and soup didn't seem like such a great idea anymore. I didn't have anything else planned, so I made soup anyway, and at least will have it for later in the week, when I'm sure it'll get cooler again.

We just came back from a visit to Home Depot and Rona looking in to replacing our garage door and our storm door. By the time all the renos are done, the front of the house will look beautiful - I hope!

Goodbye, Summer ....

Summer is quickly coming to an end. Only a few more days and we're officially into Fall. Only a few more weeks and we're likely to see the first few snowflakes.

I remember as a child, the days and seasons seemed so long. It felt like it took forever for the summer to pass before you could go back to school and see your friends again, but somehow, as an adult, time just seems to go by so fast.

I'm constantly reminded at work how quickly time goes by. We use the Julian Calendar to derive our confirmation numbers for our clients, so it's a daily reminder of how far we've come, and how little time we have left. Today is day 261. We're officially more than 70% of the way through the year. Sobering thought, eh?

Today was beautiful - sunny and warm. The evenings are quite cool now, often falling below zero, but we're still able to pull off some pretty warm days. There's nothing I treasure more than my last few steps before I enter my office in the morning. The air is crisp and cool but fresh, and you can't help but inhale deeply, filling your lungs with the deliciousness of autumn.

That being said, Fall is my least favourite of the seasons. Everything is coming to an end, most things are starting to die, or at least prepare for winter hibernation. The days are getting shorter and colder - it's all so depressing.

It's actually Spring that brings me joy. Everything is coming to life, the earth is beginning to warm, and what was considered cold only a few weeks prior, is now cause for jubilation. The first flowers start to peek through the last of the melting snow, the robins and the geese start to come back home, and the days start getting longer and longer.

Although Winter is most people's least favourite season, it's actually my second favourite. Don't get me wrong - I don't enjoy the cold, but the beauty of the first snowfall, or a morning of hoarfrost is indescribably beautiful. The branches of the trees literally sparkle as if encrusted with diamonds, and the crunch of the freshly fallen snow is as comforting as the sound of biting in to a freshly toasted slice of bread smothered in butter and homemade strawberry preserves.

I got my hair cut and colored today. It's grown quite a bit over the past few months, but with winter coming, which means sweaters and turtlenecks, I thought it best to welcome the season-change with a new Fall colour and cut. Thanks to my best friend in Missouri, Tara, for the inspiring photos and ideas! I'm very happy with the outcome.

We're doing some renovations to our house - namely building a larger front porch. I've always wanted a traditional wrap-around porch, but our house isn't quite designed for that, so I'll have to settle for a smaller version. Hopefully construction will begin soon as I'd like to enjoy it at least for a little while before the snow comes. I look forward to brewing a pot of Chai or a steamy cup of hot chocolate and sitting outside on the porch in the evening under a blanket of stars. Hopefully, it's not much longer ...

Hello, Stranger

I know, I know ... it's been a while.

It's certainly not because nothing's going on :) Too much to do, too little time.

It's been a pretty busy summer, and an insanely hot one. We haven't had to mow the lawn all summer! And no mosquitoes either! I imagine this is what heaven must be like.

Some sad news on Monday - Jack Layton, leader of the NDP passed away (from a still undisclosed form of cancer).

I remember seeing him just a few short weeks ago on TV as he announced that he had been diagnosed with a new form of cancer and was temporarily stepping down to focus on his health.

He had gone from a fairly healthy looking, robust man, to just a shell of himself, looking extremely gaunt and tired, but nonetheless, putting on a brave face and delivering a brave message.

A few of us at work were discussing the images of Jack, and someone said, "He's a fighter - he'll be back". I remember thinking to myself, "I remember that look .... and you don't come back from that."

He reminded me so much of my Dad - a fighter who despite how he was really feeling, or despite the prognosis, was positive to the very end.

Seeing Jack and hearing of his recent passing have conjured up the last images I have of my Dad in the last few hours before he passed away. I remember the shallow breathing, I remember how frail and helpless he looked. I remember telling him it was ok to leave us, and that it was time for him to go.

While no one wishes for a loved one to die, we do hope and wish that their suffering will end.

Jack's suffering has finally ended, and the next step in his family's journey will begin. I wish them peace.

I'll sign-off by posting the last letter that Jack wrote to his country, just days before his passing.

Rest in peace, Jack.

Dear Friends,

Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.

Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue.

I recommend that Hull-Aylmer MP Nycole Turmel continue her work as our interim leader until a permanent successor is elected.

I recommend the party hold a leadership vote as early as possible in the New Year, on approximately the same timelines as in 2003, so that our new leader has ample time to reconsolidate our team, renew our party and our program, and move forward towards the next election.

A few additional thoughts:

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn’t gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.

To the members of my party: we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years. It has been a privilege to lead the New Democratic Party and I am most grateful for your confidence, your support, and the endless hours of volunteer commitment you have devoted to our cause. There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government.

To the members of our parliamentary caucus: I have been privileged to work with each and every one of you. Our caucus meetings were always the highlight of my week. It has been my role to ask a great deal from you. And now I am going to do so again. Canadians will be closely watching you in the months to come. Colleagues, I know you will make the tens of thousands of members of our party proud of you by demonstrating the same seamless teamwork and solidarity that has earned us the confidence of millions of Canadians in the recent election.

To my fellow Quebecers: On May 2nd, you made an historic decision. You decided that the way to replace Canada’s Conservative federal government with something better was by working together in partnership with progressive-minded Canadians across the country. You made the right decision then; it is still the right decision today; and it will be the right decision right through to the next election, when we will succeed, together. You have elected a superb team of New Democrats to Parliament. They are going to be doing remarkable things in the years to come to make this country better for us all.

To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.

And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change. In the months and years to come, New Democrats will put a compelling new alternative to you. My colleagues in our party are an impressive, committed team. Give them a careful hearing; consider the alternatives; and consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton

Oh what a night ...

Being Saturday, I of course was at work today. I started the day off feeling not quite right (sore throat, ear ache, and generally feeling queasy) but I wasn't sick enough to stay home, so I headed in to work for about 8am. I stopped off to get oatmeal and a bagel at Tim Horton's on the way, and Dena, one of my close friends, stopped off at McDonald's to get us coffee (the bagel was for her).
Every Saturday I like to send electronic updates to my staff on their quarter-to-date results, and although it can be quite time consuming, I know they appreciate the information.
I had sushi for lunch - probably not the best thing to have when you're not feeling so hot, but I didn't have a ton of it, and by day's end, I was feeling better.
I came home, cleaned up the house a bit, and started to get ready for GNO (Girls Night Out).
I made dinner reservations a few weeks ago at Cafe Dario for myself and 7 friends. My best friend Paula from Selkirk came in for dinner (Selkirk is about an hour outside of Winnipeg). I don't get to see her often enough, so seeing her is always a real treat. I also got to see Shannon whom I haven't seen since my Dad's memorial service. Shannon and Joanne both drove over to my place so we could all carpool together. Cass and Betty came together and met as at the restaurant, and rounding off the group were Rebeca and Rhiann. Rhiann is honestly THE funniest person I know, and she's wickedly smart and witty, which I think makes a lethal combination for the most comedic people. In my opinion, I think not all smart people are funny, but all funny people are smart. What do you think of my theory?
If it weren't for the great company, I'm not sure I'd be so happy about Cafe Dario mainly because of the terrible service, but dinner itself was quite good, especially considering the $35/person price tag, which included your single choice between 5-6 appetizers (I had the Escargot Diablo), soup (sweet corn and tomato), salad (with a very good roasted red pepper dressing), your single choice between 5-6 entrees (I had the new york strip loin which came with garlic mashed potatoes and pureed beets), and dessert (chocolate orange mousse). When you consider you'd probably pay $30 for the steak alone at a restaurant, the price is quite amazing I think. I think everyone felt full but not stuffed after the meal, and every single course was as visually appealing as it was delicious.
After dinner, I drove Rhiann home (downtown), then Shannon and Joanne and I drove back to my place so they could get their vehicles.
Events like this remind me not only how important it is to have a great network of friends, but how lucky I am to have such a supportive group of ladies in my life.
A toast to great friends!
I can't wait to see you all at the next dinner!! :)

Being grateful

Did I ever tell you that I work for the greatest organization in the world? Well, I do. Call it being "loyal to the Royal", or "bleeding blue and gold" - I love my employer through and through.
This week we celebrated "Employee Appreciation" - for us, a week long event of showing appreciation to our employees for the amazing jobs they do each and every day.
We've marked the event by having a week-long celebration, enjoying everything from games (Minute-to-win-it style), to a quarterly performance celebration, to casual dress week, to a free BBQ, to hand-delivered choco-pops with a note of appreciation ... the list goes on. I don't know that many organizations go to the lengths that RBC does to celebrate their employees, but I am so grateful and PROUD to work for such an amazing company.
I celebrated by getting my weekly 45-minute team meeting extended to an hour, and taking my team off site to enjoy iced coffees and not have a meeting focused only on work. It was a beautiful day and I think everyone enjoyed the opportunity to be outside enjoying the fresh air.
The daycare that Romeo goes to was also appreciative of his marbled spice cake, which they were kind enough to take a picture of and post to their FB page! I made a quick molasses glaze yesterday morning before we took the cake to school, and I asked for honest feedback since, A) I had never made it before, and B) I wasn't going to be able to try it. They said it was great, but I think they don't want to hurt my feelings :) Oh well ... :)
Today is "Blue Water Day" at RBC. We're celebrating RBC's commitment to a variety of water conservation initiatives worldwide, including RBC's commitment to donating over $50 million globally over a ten-year period (from 2007 to 2017) for such causes. Yet ANOTHER reason I love RBC!
Time to get ready for work. All employees are encouraged to wear blue in honour of Blue Water Day, so I'll pick through what I have to wear and play my part. I'm grateful that I work for a company that is not only internationally well recognized but more importantly, a company who is so well respected by many.
What are you grateful for?
Make it a great day, everyone!

I'm baaaaaaaaack ...

So I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. On the contrary, I'm returning to all of the things I used to do before my Dad passed away.
So what have I been up to? Wow ... where do I start??
Well, I've been to the mall. Yep - I said that mall. When my Dad was was moved to the hospital and then the hospice in February, most of my spare time was spent at the hospice, and there were some weeks where I barely even got our grocery shopping done. I hadn't been to St Vital in eons, and I wasn't even sure I knew how to get to Polo Park anymore! Turns out, they're both still in their original locations, and they both welcomed me with open arms :) I engaged in some much needed retail therapy, and got some great deals along the way.
I've done some crafting, mostly jewelry and cards. Let this be a hint to anyone who crafts out there - your craft just isn't complete unless you have glitter on it!! Trust me.
I've done some reading and have a few different books on the go:
"The Slap", which is a book about a guy who slaps a child who is not his own at a BBQ and the ensuing fall-out from 8 different peoples' perspectives. I have to say, when I first started it, I was LOST with 8 people at a BBQ all being introduced within just a couple of pages, but the style is very Grapes of Wrath-ish, and I'm quite enjoying it.
I'm also reading "This is not a book - Adventures in Popular Philosophy" which is a very high-level overview of the four branches of philosophy and the philosophers whose work has influenced thinking in that area. Similar in style, I'm also reading "This book has feelings - adventures in the philosophy and psychology of your mind". Fortunately the chapters are short in those two books, so things don't get too heavy.
I'm also reading Tina Fey's autobiography "Bossypants". It's not bad, certainly way better than Peter Russell's autobiography, but for someone I find quite entertaining and humorous, I find her autobio a little on the boring side.
And of course I ALWAYS have room on my nightstand for a cookbook or two, or three, or four ...
I went to the library for the first time in forever and found volume 1 and 2 of a book called "The Cake Mix Doctor". As a die-hard cook and baker, I'm always looking to expand my circle of willing guinea pigs to try my latest creation, and The Cake Mix Doctor is comprised of recipes that use cake mix as the base. As I blog, I'm baking a Marbled Spice bundt cake for Romeo to take to daycare tomorrow. Correction - Romeo is baking it, he always does. I've never made it before and won't get a chance to try it, so I'll have to rely on our girls at the daycare to give me their honest feedback.
Lastly, I planted a garden. Yes, you read it right - I. Planted. A. Garden. There's probably nothing I hate more than gardening, and had all but given up on EVER trying to plant a garden again after the yearly disasters I've created, but one of the girls I work with mentioned "square-foot gardening" and after she explained it to me, I was inspired to try it one more time.
The concept of square-foot gardening is that you plant your vegetables in 1 sqaure-foot "plots", usually in a raised box, no more than 4'x4'. Unlike traditional gardening, which grows stuff in rows, square-foot gardening has everything planted in square-foot plots right next to each other, virtually eliminating weeding, and creates an ultra-efficient garden (no wasted water, no wasted fertilizer etc) Although the photo below is not my OWN garden, you'll get the idea from the photo.


I was on vacation the week of May 23rd and with a little help (ok, a LOT of help), I got my garden weeded, tilled, constructed, and planted. I went out to water the garden a few nights ago and was pleasantly surprised to see the beginnings of the radishes I planted! I'm so excited!! I ended up with 20 square-feet of plantable area, in a 48 square-foot frame. Apart from radishes, I also planted strawberries, rosemary, cilantro, two types of basil, two types of tomatoes, onions, garlic, two red and golden beets, swiss chard, eggplants, peppers and carrots. Because of the nature of square-foot gardening, you don't end up with tons and tons of food that you need to give away, so it helps to cut down on food that goes to waste. Once the garden is up and running, I'll post some pics of my actual garden.
I've also started going to hot yoga again, and I'm reminded just how much I missed it. I'm also reminded how out of shape I am, but yoga is so forgiving, and I have already noticed a difference in just 1 week.
On a personal front, things are going better than expected (I think?). I think of my Dad often, and am occasionally reminded that he's not here anymore and that I can't just pick up the phone and talk to him anymore. My Dad was a great singer, and was always singing, and now I wish that we had taped him singing so I could listen to it now. Oh well ....
My Mom has finally decided to live with my sister here in Winnipeg on a permanent basis. At first, I had reservations about it for many reasons, but my sister says things are working out well for now, and although it's an adjustment for everyone, I do hope that in the long-run, things will work out for the best. My Mom living with my sister is somewhat conditional on my Mom enrolling herself in extracurricular activities to keep her on-the-go, and she seems to agree with that notion. My Mom will be going out West in July/August for about one month to visit my other sister in Calgary and my niece in Edmonton.
So that's it in a very summarized nut-shell.
Sorry for the extended hiatus, everyone, but I think it's what I needed.
I will update again soon, maybe with photos of my new garden? :) Wish me luck!!

The man in the brown pants

A full week at work is now under my belt and I'm feeling "normal" returning slowly but surely.
I had a few funny-oops moments this week with some colleagues who came by to say that they hadn't seen me in a while and wondered how my vacation was. I think not that long ago I'd be stuck for something to say, but now it's easy to just say, "my Dad passed away". They of course feel guilty, but I remind them that there's nothing to feel guilty about! It's not like they knew and pretended they didn't know, right? They didn't know, so don't feel guilty about asking.
It's interesting to see how many people have lost a loved one and feel the exact same things I do. It's really kind of cool in a way. We're our own group out there!
I had a friend this week who recently suffered her own loss. Her beloved fur baby died and she was devastated. She's had her "baby" since he was a 3-week old kitten, and although he had been sick for some time, it didn't soften the blow. She mentioned how sometimes she seems him out of the corner of her eye, and I told her that I too had signs from my Dad shortly after he passed. That's when she told me about "the man in the brown pants".
Her husband, a friend of mine as well as a work colleague, lost his Dad suddenly to a heart attack a few years ago. He was devastated by the loss, and told me that it took a good one-and-a-half to two years to recover. (That scared me a little bit!) Over the years, he and I have pondered the following: If you had it to choose, would you choose to lose a loved one suddenly, or would you rather lose them to an illness?
I know, from our conversations, losing a loved one suddenly leaves a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of things unresolved. I know from experience that losing a loved one to a chronic, long-term illness is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining to everyone involved. There are scary days when I feel like I don't even remember the way my Dad was anymore - I can only think of him in terms of his illness. I see flashes of images of his frail body laying in a crumpled heap on his hospital bed. I see his once strong arms and hands as nothing more than skin and bones. I see old birthday cards from my Dad, or a piece of paper with a note that he's written, and I see his once-upon-a-time beautiful penmanship, which near the end turned into scrawly printing. It's heart-breaking.
I guess we never found an answer to our question, but I know that my experience, and that of my friend are the two extremes. Something in between is probably the best case scenario - not too long to suffer, but long enough to say goodbye.
So - what of "the man in the brown pants"?
My friend and I were talking about the "signs" that I saw in the days immediately after my Dad's passing. She said that she saw signs too after her father-in-law passed away. At the time of her father-in-law's sudden passing, she was about 36-weeks pregnant. In honour of his memory, they gave their daughter a middle name of Kenley in memory of her father-in-law "Ken". Apparently Ken was known for wearing a certain type of brown pants which his son has been known to wear as well.
Shortly after "Kenley" was born, my friend went up to Kenley's room to see her in her crib and she saw the "man in the brown pants" standing near the crib. She didn't see a face, not even really a torso, but saw the familiar brown pants, and then they just disappeared.
The man in the brown pants came by every now and then - she would see him floating from room to room, or he'd be "communicating" with Kenley, or more accurately, Kenley was communicating with him. She recalled how one night she was feeding the baby and the baby was stretching her arms out as if to be picked up, but she wasn't holding her arms up to her mother, she was holding her arms up to someone or something NEXT to her mother. My friend didn't always see the man in the brown pants even when the baby did, but she knew he was there just by the way the baby was acting.
It's been some time since the man in the brown pants has made an appearance, but in listening to her story, I couldn't help but think that the signs come when we need them most.
Last night I was at Chapters browsing through the books and came across a book titled "Drood". My Dad's name (an you'll recall) is Dood (Drood minus the "R") and the irony is that the title of the book was written in script in much the same way that my Dad wrote his own name. It was freaky, but as of late, I've been wondering why the signs aren't as frequent anymore. And then there it was, (or maybe I'm making too much of it). In any case, I remembered my Dad and smiled for a moment thinking that he knew I've been thinking about him and needed to know if he was ok.
Anyway - enough of my rambling for tonight.
I'm off to fill out my census form on-line. If you haven't already done it, and there's still time, please do it (today is the deadline)! For each Manitoban that doesn't fill it out there's a $42,000 reduction in provincial transfer payments from the federal government. Do your part!
Good night everyone and enjoy your weekend!

Archived emails now uploaded

Quick update -

So my blog was officially started on April 23rd, but long before the blog, there were emails that were sent out to a handful of special people.

The emails were starting to get longer and longer, and the distribution list was getting more and more complicated.

I decided that I would stop emailing and start a blog with a promise, one day, to upload some of the emails that I sent.

I finally got around to it this evening.

Feel free to peruse the old emails/new uploaded blogs dated April 2011.

As always, feel free to comment, or not :)

Goodnight all!

And now, on to the next challenge ...

Happy belated Mother's Day to all my mom friends!

The weekend seems so long ago - where has the time gone??

Saturday after work I basically came home and vegged out. Although I was at work for only 3 days, it sure felt like a whole week! I'm glad to be back, and happy that I feel like I'm right back in the groove of things.

Sunday I got two Mother's Day cards - one from Joe and one from my little cookie monster son, Romeo. Romeo has turned into quite the little cookie monster lately, demanding a cookie after his breakfast, which I'm more than happy to oblige him with. I also got some flowers, a gift card to Starbucks, and a promise for a dinner out at a restaurant of my choosing. How sweet!

After cards and gifts, I made a batch of "sweet roti" for pre-breakfast. They're a lot like crepes that we smear with peanut butter and enjoy. I say "pre-breakfast" because we had plans for Mother's Day brunch with Darwin's mom at the Scandinavian Cultural Centre.

I'm still not eating meat (officially 3 weeks!) and was positive that the only thing we'd get at brunch was link sausage, bacon and ham, so I decided that eating at home would be a good idea.

Well, to my utter delight, the buffet was FILLED with seafood (I am eating fish). I should've thought that a Scandinavian Cultural Centre would have fish - DUH! They had two full poached salmons, shrimp, calamari, mussels, smoked salmon - you name it, they had it!

After brunch, we headed to Polo Park. I haven't been there since some time last year, and it was nice to be out without worrying about where I wasn't (the hospice).

We got came back home, hung out for a bit, then went to see my Mom who is currently living with my sister. I normally buy her hanging baskets instead of flowers because they last right through until October, but now without her own house, I wasn't sure if she'd want baskets or not this year. I gave her a rain cheque for the baskets, and a promise to take her later this month when things warm up a bit, assuming she still wants them.

My sister asked us if we wanted to stay for an impromptu dinner, and since Darwin can't turn down curry, we stayed.

Monday I got some time to myself for the first time in a long time, then went to my favourite spa in the afternoon for some pampering. If anyone is reading this and is interested in the BEST facial in town, let me know :) I also have a $20 discount card for anyone who is trying out City Looks Spa for the first time :)

Joe and I got to babysit my grandnieces last night as the rest of the family went out for a combination Mother's Day/birthday party for my sister and her husband. While there was some pretty heavy negotiations and positive reinforcement going on between me and my grandnieces, all-in-all, the night went off without a hitch.

If you know anything about me at all, you know I love arts and crafts, so last night I found a craft idea where you colour grains of rice with food colouring and rubbing alcohol. Well, as the saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention, and in the absence of rubbing alcohol, I used vodka :) And in the absence of time, I put the wet rice in the oven to dry in time for craft time. I know everyone is biased when it comes to the talents of their children, but my grandnieces are SO talented and artistic, and I love watching them create their masterpieces!

So today is MY Monday. While I LOVE having REAL Mondays off, Tuesdays are SO hectic for me - back-to-back meetings, "lunch" at 4pm - you know, the typical Monday!

I got a call from Lisa at one of the local property management companies who was calling to let me know that there are 4 units coming available in one of the apartment blocks that I had put my mom's name on back in February. All 4 units will be available in July and it's one of the nicer units, albeit NOT a senior's complex.

I called my mom tonight to let her know that an opportunity to move is now on the table and she needs to start making some long-term decisions. She is reluctant to move right now, saying that she's "not ready", but I had to remind her that she's not moving next week - it's another 2 months away, and that she can't live with my sister forever.

Truth be known, I don't really want her to live in this particular unit (I want her in a senior's complex), and she doesn't REALLY have to leave my sister's place, but that being said, we all need to consider everyone's needs, and not just my mom's. The call today from the property management company at least served as a catalyst to a conversation about long-term living arrangements.

In my opinion, I don't think my mom living with my sister is healthy for either of them in the long-run, and more importantly, I think my mom needs to be in an environment with a peer group - people who have also experienced loss, and people who keep themselves busy during the day by engaging in group activities. Selfishly, it also takes some of the stress off of us knowing that someone will likely check on her everyday. I think for now we've agreed somewhat that staying with my sister for the summer with some time out in Alberta (with my other sister and one of my nieces) is a workable solution, but it's clear based on my conversation with her today that we'll need to broach the subject several times over the next few months and prepare her to move.

I hope everyone had a good weekend, and honoured the special ladies in their lives.

Make it a great week!

Day two (but really feels like day 22)

I got a peaceful albeit short sleep last night (probably 4 hours total). I spent some time talking on the phone with one of my nieces in Edmonton and didn't get to sleep until almost 2:30am.
I woke up around 6:20am and laid in bed reflecting on how much things have changed in such a short while.
I finally got out of bed around 7:30am, made some tea and toast for breakfast, got ready for work then went to the Kia dealership to pick up Kevin and take him to work (he had to go in and get his summer/winter tires swapped). We headed to McDonald's for a coffee run for Dena and I then headed in to work.
I felt like I had a somewhat productive day even though I'm still very much trying to get caught up with emails and deadlines past and future.
I got a few more condolences throughout the day from people that I didn't even think would know about my Dad's passing, and it was nice to know that they would take time out of their day to acknowledge our loss.
One colleague of mine came over and offered her condolences and we had a brief (somewhat misty-eyed) chat about the loss of a loved one - the feeling of being overwhelmed at times, feeling good at others then being suddenly reduced to tears, and all too often being overcome by the surreal-ness of it all. Our conversation at least served the purpose to confirm that I'm not alone, and the more I talk/write about it, the better for me.
I also found out, quite by accident today, that my "sister" (non-blood related) also started a blog, at least in part because of our conversation about the healing power of writing. I encourage anyone who is reading this to do the same - even if you never share it, even if you think you're not a good writer, even if you think you have nothing "good" to write about.
My "sister" and I chatted this morning around 8am - she sent me an email late yesterday, an excerpt of which I will publish:
I don't know very much at all about hinduism. I was looking in the macy's brochure today. They had pendant necklaces and the first one I saw was the Eiffel tower. I thought of you and said to Tim, "Sophie has been there!". The next pendant that I noticed had a very interesting configuration. It looked like a "3" with some other things around it. I remember noticing on the wall at the temple a similar symbol. I said to Tim, I think that's a Hindu symbol. What is this doing in the Macy's flyer. I almost took a picture of it to ask you. Instead I googled! Sure enough its the same symbol. I don't know what it means. More odd is I don't know how or why its in the Macy's catalogue.
So what's strange is that Kevin and I were chatting yesterday about my new necklace, a gift from my "sister". It looked somewhat familiar because it's on a pretty popular commercial. It's the Jane Seymour "open heart" necklace which kind of looks like two hearts joined at the points, but open at the opposite ends. It resembles a swan, which, (not many people know) is the translation of part of my first, legal, Indian name. I've always loved swans, and this particular necklace is a new release because it also coincidentally has my birthstone in it! It is so beyond perfect on its own, but the reason she gave it to me is because she too lost her Dad (15 years ago! Where has the time gone?!) She attached a note, part of which I'll include in my blog:
"After my Dad passed, I bought myself a necklace. On one side it says "ONE DAY AT A TIME". On the other side it says, "Dad, October 26th, 1996" ... I also count days and things are relative to that day ... I think it's the bond between a father and a daughter and the extreme life shift that occurs after they are gone. No one compares to your Dad ... I hope you find strength in my small gift ... Two hearts connected in a special bond that happens between a daughter and her Dad".
I was starting to tell Kevin about my special gift but got choked up and couldn't finish it (hopefully you're reading it now, Kev!), but I don't think it's coincidental that I was talking about her yesterday morning, and that evening she sees two "signs" that remind her of me!
What she didn't know was that the "3" that she saw at the temple, and now in the Macy's catalogue, is the same symbol that I had tattooed on my back years ago as a visual reminder of my Dad (I have a second tattoo of a crescent moon and star (the symbol for Islam as my mother was born and raised as a Muslim (but is now a Christian, but that's a story for another day))).
The "3" or Aum (pronounced Om) is hard to explain, but it is considered by Hindus to be the eternal sound of the universe. It encompasses in its three letters the creation of the universe, the life of the universe, and the destruction of the universe (deep stuff, I know!) :)
They say that somewhere in the world, at any given time, someone is thinking about you. An old friend, a current one, a parent, a spouse, maybe even someone who suffers from unrequited love.
To my "sister" - I thought about you today, and I know you're thinking about me. Today's blog is dedicated to you, and to echo your sentiment:

Who we become in life begins with family. Thank YOU for including me in yours.

Goodnight, all!

A good start, but a long day

My brother called me late last night, after I posted my blog, to see how I was doing. He had had my mom and her two sisters out to his farm for the evening for dinner, and had just returned home after dropping them back off in the city. We were just chatting and then he said that he had come to the realization the day previous (Tuesday) that he didn't need to go to the hospice. He said that I was probably feeling the same way because Wednesday was always my day to go. I guess we're all feeling that way - all of this new found time that we have and we're not quite sure what to do with ourselves.
I woke up this morning still apprehensive about what the day would hold. I got some of my stuff together then remembered that it was also daycare day and needed to get Romeo sorted out too.
I got to the daycare around 9:30 and dropped the "baby" off and met Shelley - one of the owners. With everything that's been happening over the past couple of weeks I haven't had the time to take the baby to school, so it was the first time that I've really seen anyone outside of close friends and day-to-day colleagues. Shelley gave me a big hug and said it was nice to see me again.
I got to work shortly before 10 and saw my friend and fellow Team Manager Kevin. Kevin knows better than to get into anything heavy so we kept it light. I was totally fine until another colleague of mine (coincidentally also named Kevin) came over and tried to offer his condolences. He stretched his arms out to hug me and all I could do was keep repeating, "not now, not now, not now" as I backed away from him. I could feel that all too familiar lump in my throat starting to make its appearance, and managed to squeak out, "I'll take a rain cheque on your hug". As soon as he left, I lost it .... I felt so bad for Kevin because I knew that he was doing everything he could to talk about ANYTHING but my Dad. Great job, Kevin! He managed to get me to laugh a bit, and all was good from there.
For the most part, that was the worst of it - nearly everyone simply said, "It's nice to see you back", or "We/I missed you - nice to see you", and the day passed reasonably well.
It was nice to be back at work, and although I feel like so much time has passed, I DID manage to remember my passwords (yeah, me!), and despite 800+ emails, I felt like, for the most past, I was able to pick up where things left off.
After work we went to my sister's place for a postponed Easter dinner. We had originally planned to do Easter dinner at the hospice with my Dad on Good Friday, but of course after everything happened, things changed.
It was nice to see my aunts again before they leave on Saturday to go back to Toronto. Darwin and I got to spend some quality time with my very cool Aunt Madge, and she told us all about her life (when she got married, all about her husband, her move to Canada etc). I have a great appreciation for all of the sacrifices she made for her children and I know they do too. She's so AMAZING! I bought her a small gift as my way of saying "Thank you" - for being here for our family, all of her hard-work with food preparation over the past week, and generally just being such a great person. I'll really miss her, but am thankful that I got to know her so much better on this trip.
Although it's only been one day at work, it does almost feel like it's been a whole week. I'm looking forward to the "weekend" - well MY weekend at least :)
Make it a good one, everyone!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going ...

I'd hardly call Billy Ocean an inspirational singer, but to coin a phrase from his song, it's time to get going - back to work that is.
I talked to my mom this morning and we both realized that today is the first Wednesday that we're not heading to the hospice. There will be many more firsts this week, that's for sure. As I sit here and type, I think of one of the first things I'll see when I get back to my office - the hospice phone number and my Dad's phone number pinned to my office wall, right in plain sight as my visual reminder to call and check up on him (as if I needed one).
I don't quite know what to expect - other than hundreds and hundreds of emails. I'm anxious. Anxious that I'll turn into a puddle of tears at the first person to offer their condolences that hasn't already done so by way of email, flowers, cards, or my Dad's memorial service. Anxious about all the things I may have forgotten. Anxious about deadlines. I just want things to go back to normal.
It's only been two weeks, and yet in some ways, it all feels like a very distant point in the past, probably more so because things have been moving at lightening speed for the past couple of weeks. Nonetheless, as anxious as I am, I'm also excited.
We made plans tonight for lunch on Sunday with Darwin's mom for Mother's Day, and then we'll probably do dinner with my Mom. Even though Mother's Day is right around the corner, I can't help but think about Father's Day in June - the first without my Dad. The last few years we've celebrated each Father's Day, Christmas, birthday etc as though it could be our last, and now it's here, and I'm not sure what to make of it all. I guess we'll know when we get there.
Anyway - I'm off to spend my last few hours in peace, quiet, and reflection before I go back to work tomorrow.
Wish me luck, and make it a great one!!

Back to life, back to reality

I have a really close friend who always accuses me of turning everyday situations into a musical. She thinks that any opportunity that I can find to sing about something, I do, and I think she's right. So, today's post is aptly named after the Soul II Soul 1989 hit, Back to Life.
The past few days have been nothing short of a whirlwind of activity. Marathon days of cooking, cleaning, running errands, and multiple services have rendered me past the point of exhaustion.
Wednesday was mostly prep work for Thursday's services, as well as the disposal of my Dad's ashes by my brother and mom in the river. In Hindu custom, the ashes must be spread in running water (i.e. a river, not a lake), so my brother and mom went down to the river in my parents' old neighbourhood - a place that was both familiar and comforting.
Thursday we had a pretty early start to a very long day. My brother shaved his head (another Hindu custom), then went to the river to dispose of his hair. We had the first private service at my sister's home on Thursday morning, then another trip to the river to dispose of all of the offerings made during the service (flowers, money, rice, sesame seeds, barley flower, etc). I then barely had time to get home, showered again, and dressed for the service at the temple at 4pm.
We got to the temple around 1:30pm and started setting up. There were a few guys from the temple that volunteered to cook, which I hope was cut down quite a bit due to all of the prep work we did the day before. We took close to 500 puris (roti/flatbread) that we cooked the night before, 3-1 litre pails of chopped onions, 1 litre of garlic paste, chopped butternut squash, chopped spinach, etc It was so much work, but it was the least we could do for the volunteers that were helping out.
Closer to the service time, I took the role of greeter which allowed me to not only meet everyone, but also ensure that everyone knew the rules of the temple (no shoes!)
While I was humbled by the number of people that came out to my Dad's memorial service, I was most humbled by the outpouring of support from my friends and colleagues. I simply lost count at 25 people that came out to honour my father's memory. I have no words to express my heart-felt gratitude. Thank you is not enough, but know that I will forever remember your love and support at such a difficult time.
A very special THANK YOU to two extra special people:
Mesia - It's been a long time coming, but your singing at my Dad's memorial service was always in the stars. Divine intervention played a role in you being here, in town, during our crisis, and your angelic voice being heard throughout the temple is not something anyone will soon forget.
Tara - my "sister" of my heart. My Dad loved you like you were his own, so it was only fitting that you'd be here for his memorial service. I appreciate that you flew home not only for my Dad, but to be here for me and my family as well. My Dad was one of your biggest fans and will continue to watch over both of us. Keep your eyes open for the signs!
After the second service on Thursday, the entire family went to the hospice to take some of the leftover food to the nurses. We took the opportunity to show the facility to some of our family who had never seen it before, and as we were leaving, we saw a single "fire-and-ice" rose (red on one side of the petal, white on the other) in a vase with a dedication to my Dad. It was hard to see, and for some reason, hard to write about right now? It was fitting that it was a red and white rose - my Dad loved red, and wore a red dress shirt and white pants in preparation for his cremation. It was clear that my Dad made an impact on many people's lives at the hospice, and we wanted them to know that we were appreciative of all of the love, support and care that they all offered my father during his stay at the hospice. They ensured that he got the best care possible, and that he lived his remaining days with the utmost dignity. As in life, so too in death.
Friday was a bit of a blur, but I did get to go out for coffee on Friday night with Tara and an old friend from high school who recently moved back to Winnipeg after 10+years in the States. We also went out for lunch on Saturday, but again the afternoon was filled with errands for Sunday's service.
We had the third and final service on Sunday - 13 days after my Dad's passing. According to Hindu custom, if we did everything correctly, then we have prepared his soul for salvation and he will attain peace.
My brother was informed during the last service that, TECHNICALLY, he needs to remain vegetarian for 1 whole year! The pundit said that he won't need to do that, but he may need to do it for the next month.
I myself haven't had meat in 2 weeks, but I did have some seafood today. I am reintroducing fish/seafood this week, but am still not sure that I'll return to red meat anytime soon.
Monday I spent three hours typing a transcription from a 90-minute focus group that my sister conducted as research for her PhD. I don't think I was too helpful as I only managed to transcribe 20 minutes, but I guess it's better than nothing?
Last night, I took some melatonin to help induce sleep, but some good that did - I woke up at 1am, 4am, and 6:30am. Hhhmmm ... I'll need to find another solution, and fast!
Today officially marks two weeks since my Dad's passing. I've barely had time to digest what's happened simply because we've all been too busy to face it head-on.
I suspect tomorrow will be a tough day. It'll be the first Wednesday in 13 weeks that I won't be going to the hospice.
As I write my blog now, I'm anxious about not being there tomorrow. So many times I thought about what it would be like to NOT have to go to the hospice, and now here it is, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. I feel guilty? But why? I guess that's for me to figure out ...
So I end tonight the way I started -
Back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now ...

How do you measure time?

Time is measured in different ways by everyone. Is it measured in minutes and seconds? Hours? Days? Months? Years? The last time you saw a loved one? Maybe it's a countdown to a vacation, or a special event, like a birthday. Ask any child in December when Christmas is going to be here, and they'll have it down to the number of sleeps. Time for me is now measured relative to the night my Dad died, my new ground zero.

Last night, I was getting ready for bed, and while there's a little less anxiety each night about the middle-of-the-night phone call from the hospice, it doesn't stop me from thinking about and remembering this time last week. I went to bed last night around 10:30 pm. Exactly one week prior was when everything started. It's as if time has stood still. The rest of the world is still operating, but my world is on hold. Everything is now measured in time lapsed from 8:40pm, Tuesday, April 19th.

1 day after his death we cleaned out his room at the hospice. 2 days after his death, he was cremated. 6 days after his death, we moved everything out of the house. 9 days after his death, we spread his ashes. 10 days after his death, we do the rituals and memorial service. 10 days after his death, we give possession of my parents’ home to the new owners. 13 days after his death, we have another service at home for him.

Today marks a week since my Dad’s passing. A whole week.
7 days.
168 hours.
10,080 minutes.
604,800 seconds.

When will time go back to being measured on a calendar or a clock, and not by my Dad’s passing?

Tomorrow will be a busy day. The spreading of his ashes, more grocery shopping, food prep for the guys who’ll be cooking on Thursday, out-of-town visitors arriving, and mass production line-cooking tomorrow at my sisters place to make the puris (pronounced poo-ree) for the temple the next day.

Puris are just one of many types of Indian “breads”. We don’t have loaves per se, but just the way you can find tortillas, croissants, bread loaves or buns in a bakery, Indians have different types of bread. Each sub-culture in India/Pakistan/Bangladesh etc will have a type of bread that is typical to that region (think of the French and their croissants vs the British and their scones for instance). Puris are not very commonly made, and are usually reserved for weddings or other ceremonial rituals. Most often, we eat paratha roti (I call it the Indian equivalent of a croissant, but flat), but my Dad also liked sada (or simple) roti which is more like a really fat pita. We also make another kind of puri called dhal puri, which is a roti that is stuffed with ground, spiced yellow split peas. There’s no real comparison or equivalent that I can think of. My “sister” from Missouri nearly goes into a coma when she gets them! They’re my favourite too! The other three that are common in our culture are sweet roti (kind of like a crepe) which we eat with peanut butter for breakfast, potato roti, (like dhal puri, but stuffed with spiced potatoes like the ones you find in a samosas), and finally sugar roti (kind of like dhal puri, but stuffed with sugar instead). It’s usually something your mom will make for you if she has a little bit of dough left and you’ve been a good helper in the kitchen.

I will be vigilantly watching the clock this evening, waiting for 8:40pm. I will try my best to celebrate and remember the best of my Dad instead of marking the week with sad memories of his passing.

Wish me luck – I may need it.

Please feel free to comment or ask questions – it lets me know that someone out there is reading my ramblings.

Have a great night, everyone!

A surprisingly emotional day filled with blessings

The day started off at 6:20am because a little furry somebody wanted to get out of his kennel. After taking him out and throwing him a carrot as a reward, I put him back in his kennel and told him it was still "night-night". I fully expected him to revolt and start barking, but smart puppy that he is, it's like he knew that I needed more rest and he didn't protest at all. I turned the TV on and watched Fawlty Towers until I fell back to sleep. I woke up around 8:30, showered, and headed over to the seamstress to give her the material to sew my suits for the services.
I got a little teary eyed when I told her why I needed them so quickly, but was pretty proud that I didn't have a full-out break-down! Well ... that was short lived.
My sister called and said that we couldn't get the ashes today, so we'll have to wait until Wednesday to spread the ashes. According to custom, we can only spread them on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.
I headed over to the house and got there shortly after noon. The movers gave a commitment of sometime between noon and 2 pm.
I got into the house and it was so strange to hear my own echo in there. With everything removed, there were no couches, beds, tables, or anything else to absorb the sound. Everywhere I looked, I saw my Dad. The dining room table and where we sat so many times to eat. His little three-tiered stand that was in the corner of the dining room where he had his "office". His bedroom and his bed. I went to the bathroom, and I could swear I could smell his cologne. I looked at all of the hooks he had in the medicine cabinet to hang all of his razors, scissors, toothbrushes, etc My heart and my soul felt as hollow as the house. I had an absolute break-down, and this was the first time I was alone. No Darwin, no sisters, no brother, no mom .... just me, myself, and I. I was nearly inconsolable, and felt like I was hyperventilating. When I get really upset, I get nauseous, and felt like that several times while I was there.
To be honest, that's what I fear most, and always have throughout this whole journey. While witnessing my Dad's illness take over his whole body, and witnessing my father's passing were scary enough - what scares me most is the silence. If anyone has any tips, I'd love for you to share them. I don't look forward to the calm after the storm.
Darwin was out at an appointment and came to meet me at the house. He brought me a tea and saw how upset I was when he got to the house. He ushered me outside to compose myself, and we sat on the front steps like my father did so many times. He loved being outside, taking care of his near golf course perfect lawn. He always double-cut his lawn, once in one direction, then a 2nd time in a 90-degree angle so that he could have the perfect diamond pattern in his immaculate lawn. He truly was the envy of the neighbourhood. Some habits die hard - I do the same thing.
We walked around the yard and I remembered how my Dad loved to hang his hammock between the two trees in the backyard, swinging for hours and reading his Reader's Digest magazines, which later turned to National Geographic.
There were many hanging basket brackets left attached to the front of the house, one of which I made when I was in grade 10. My parents left it there all these years. I wanted to take it with me but Darwin said I should leave it. He said that my Dad's mark is all over the house and property, and my bracket added to that.
We sat around until 1:30pm when we got a call from the movers to say that they were stopping for coffee and would be at the house in 30-45 minutes. Well an hour later they still weren't there. I was NOT impressed. I called their dispatch office and they said they were about 10 minutes away. I called and left a message with the office manager and will look to get a discount on the move. A 2-hour window is understandable. Calling me and saying that you're 30-45 minutes away, showing up an hour later, and being 40 minutes past the originally agreed upon time is unacceptable.
It's so strange to see 37 years of hard work reduced to 30 boxes and a bedroom suite. The move itself didn't take that long. We met the movers at the storage unit, signed the papers and watched them unload everything.
We got home and ordered two pizzas - cheese only, and a shahi paneer pizza from our new favourite indian pizza joint. The pizza had paneer (a soft indian cheese - really easy to make!), cashews, raisins, and the same sauce used in butter chicken. Darwin really loved it. I'm more of a plain pizza kinda gal.
I made plans to go with my sister to another indian store to see if they have any ready-to-wear indian suits for the memorial service for her to wear. I was just about ready to call her when the phone rang. The number on call display showed my best friend/sister down in Missouri. I haven't talked to her since my Dad died. She and I have known each other since we were 5 (that's a loooong time!) and we grew up together. She was often at my house, and I was often at hers, and as a result, we saw each others parents as our own. I know my Dad very much regarded her as a daughter.
I wasn't sure I was ready to speak with her just yet, but she took the time to call, so the least I could do is answer the phone. We chatted for a bit - I told her about the move today, and we shared some memories about my Dad. She lost her Dad many years ago, suddenly, and has been a great source of advice and compassion during the entire process. She said she had something to tell me but she didn't want me to get mad. I was so concerned - I didn't know what I could possibly be mad at her for?? She told me that almost the moment she found out about my Dad's passing, she booked a ticket back home.
I am humbled by her offer to fly home. It's not quite right to say that I can't believe she's doing it, because that's her style, but I am surprised nonetheless. What a blessing.
But I did say blessings, plural, in the title.
The other blessing?
Two years ago when I thought we were going to lose my Dad, I asked a very good friend of mine if she would be able to sing at my Dad's service. Truthfully, I wasn't sure how we would even be able to do it as a traditional Hindu ceremony is hardly the place to sing a "pop song", but if there was a way to do it, I wanted it done.
Sadly, she moved out of the city last August. So much for having her at my Dad's service.
Well, as fate would have it, she's in town right now (for 3 weeks) to celebrate her niece's christening.
She knew that my Dad had passed away and offered, if she was able, to sing at my Dad's service. She is a yoga instructor, and unfortunately had previously committed to back-to-back-to-back classes during the time of my Dad's service.
I guess it wasn't meant to be. Oh well ....
Wait - I said there was a blessing in all of this. She managed to find replacements for all three of her classes so that she is able to join us on the afternoon/evening of the service to bring to fruition my dream of her singing Dance with my Father at my Dad's service.
My heart is bursting at the seams with all of the kindness that the world has to offer these days.
I am truly, truly blessed to have such a network of caring, supportive friends.
For that, I am truly grateful.

A fun day and more coincidences

Although I woke up sort of early today (7am), I fed the dog and started to watch Eat, Pray, Love which I had PVR'd a couple of weeks ago.
For anyone who hasn't read the book, it's a story about a woman who has a personal crisis of sorts, followed by the realization that she's lost herself along the way. The book/movie chronicles her journey across the world to find herself again. Personally, I found the book more rewarding than the movie, but I thought the story line was great.
I must've fallen asleep during the movie and woke up around 11am! I don't even know the last time I did that!
I woke up and made dinner for tonight (chickpea curry with rice pilaf) as I was planning to be out for the remainder of the day.
Around 1pm one of my best friends, really more like a sister, came by to pick me up to take me shopping at one of the local indian stores. We perused the myriad of outfits, with dizzying patterns, and some of the most ornate embroidery you'll ever see. Indians are not afraid of colour, and if you can imagine a colour, chances are it exists in some way, shape or form in an Indian outfit.
There are three main types of outfits for women -

saris - fabric ranging from 4-9 metres in length, wrapped around the body in a multitude of styles

















lehengas (long or short top with a long skirt),



















and a salwar kameez (usually a long top with MC hammer-like pants, that are either really loose and billowy like super-wide bell-bottoms, or tighter like leggings)





















I finally made the decision to purchase two sets of fabric which were both unfinished products (i.e. I need a seamstress to sew the outfits for me). I asked the shop owner if it would be possible to get both sewn by Wednesday (for pick-up) and he asked if I could come back on Monday for all the measurements to be taken. Unfortunately, with all of the events tomorrow, there's no way I'd be able to squeeze in an early morning 30 km round trip in. Besides, if the measurements were wrong, I'd have to make this trip a few times and that's just not feasible with everything else that needs to be done.
He asked what part of town I live in, and when I told him, he said that the seamstress was in the same part of town. As it turns out, I can almost LITERALLY see her backyard from my backyard! I've chosen to get both made in the salwar kameez style. I'm not big on skirts or dresses, so the pants will suit me just fine. For anyone who has never tried on an Indian outfit, let me say that as ornate as they may look, they are some of the most comfortable clothing you'll ever wear. I'll head over to the seamstress in the morning and get measured so that she can start sewing. I can't wait to see the finished product.
Here's a funny story - As I was chatting with the shop owner telling him what style of suit I wanted, he asked if I wanted "pajammie" pants. My friend overheard it, and asked me if he was asking if I wanted to wear pajamas. I had to explain that "pajama style" pants don't mean the same thing as pajamas do in North America. She then said it was weird that we took the word "pajama" from the English language. I had to tell her that it was actually the British who took the word from Indians during the British colonial rule of India from 1858 - 1947. Some other examples of everyday words borrowed from Hindi/Urdu/Arabic are: shampoo, bungalow, avatar, orange, pepper, and punch! There are many!!
After shopping, we went down to the Forks and browsed for a bit. It was so great to be out of the house, away from all of the commotion. She dropped me off at home with just enough time to gather some stuff for dinner over at my sister-in-law's home (Sharron) for Easter.
Sharron is one of the MOST AMAZING chefs I know, so imagine showing up at her place and the smell of Easter ham is wafting throughout the house! Fortunately, she also made several vegetarian side dishes, so along with what I had brought from home, we didn't feel too left out. She even made an out-of-this-world sweet potato pie with a pecan crust for dessert, and it was eggless and meatless (i.e. the crust was not made with lard).
While we were eating dessert, we started to recount the story of my dad's passing and all of the signs. When we got to the part about heading out to the crematorium, and how we had no idea where we were going or if we were even going in the right direction, my mother-in-law pipes up and says that she was there JUST the day before making plans for her own funeral!!
What's further ironic is that my mother-in-law grew up just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from the crematorium (long before the cemetery or crematorium were placed there). Up until Wednesday, none of us had ever even heard of this cemetery or crematorium, and then, within a 24-hour period, ALL of us were there!?
We chatted a bit longer and then headed out.
Tomorrow will be another eventful day. We hope to pick up the ashes and dispose of them (as per my father's wishes) before noon, when the movers will show up at my mom's house to move her belongings into storage.
I really haven't been affected by the selling of my childhood home, but I have to say, tomorrow might be a little sad. Saying goodbye to my Dad last Tuesday, and now the house less than a week later ... it'll be interesting, if nothing else.

Wish me luck with the seamstress tomorrow. Did I mention, she doesn't speak English? This ought to be fun!

Sometimes it's the little things that matter most

My nephew and his girlfriend slept over last night. We stayed up quite late chatting and went to bed around 1am. With a puppy in the house it means you don't get to sleep in forever, but we did sleep until a little after 8am. Romeo was more than happy to paw at the guest bedroom door to see our guests and was quite content to lay with them and enjoy cuddling and being cuddled.
We went out for breakfast this morning to one of my favourite places (Edna Fedya) then went to one of my next favourite places (Starbucks) then drove around a bit and showed me nephew and his girlfriend some of the local flooding near the river.
After the tour, we went to visit my nephew's great-aunt. She's an absolute gem of a lady - sweet like candy and ADORABLE! I haven't seen her in almost a year, but the craziest thing is, even though she's a little grayer than I remember, she has the face of someone at least 25 years her junior! She's 82 and doesn't have a single wrinkle - not one!
We spent some time with her, then my sister and her husband came to visit as well. My brother-in-law's Dad and this lady are brother and sister (how confusing!).
Her brother (90 years old) had a fall recently and broke his hip and fractured his femur. He's been in the hospital for the last month in Toronto, and she's not been able to speak with him because she couldn't seem to navigate the automated system to the hospital's phone system, and she was having an awful time with feedback from her hearing aide and the phone.
I asked her if her phones were hearing aide compatible and she wasn't sure what I meant, so I went and checked all her phones but was disappointed to find that they didn't have any settings to make the situation any better.
My brother-in-law suggested that we hit up an electronics store to see if we could find a hearing aide compatible phone. I made a few phone calls and we decided to head out to London Drugs to buy a phone for her.
We came back, set up the phone for her, and made a phone call to the hospital so she could speak with her brother. The phone worked splendidly and she was able to speak with him without any issues from her hearing aide for the first time in over a month! She truly looked like she was about to cry she was so happy!
It was like one of those documentaries that you see where someone is born deaf but, through the miracle of surgery, is able to hear for the first time. Or it's like seeing in black-and-white your whole life and then seeing in colour. I could hardly believe something that small could make such a difference. The joy on her face is not something that I will easily or quickly forget, and it was yet another reminder to appreciate everything we take for granted.
After our visit, we went to my niece's for dinner - veggie burgers, salad, and vegan cake. It was actually really good, and I'll definitely make it in the future for some special people (you know who you are!)
It's been another event-filled day, and I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep.

Sweet dreams ...

Another Tough Moment

Today my father's obituary was published in the local paper. It was hard seeing his name and face under the obituary section. Another reminder that he's gone. The photo that was used is the photo from his 75th birthday celebration. His 75th birthday was also the day he found out he had cancer.

We had a family day yesterday at my eldest sister's house. Everyone was there and had breakfast/brunch together. Then we hung out together all day, shared some laughs, cooked (what else is new?) and watched some of the hockey game (well the guys did at least).

My two nephews and their girlfriends came over and spent some time at our place, then the older of the two left to return to my sister's place as his flight back to Calgary departed this morning at 7am.

Another packed day ahead. We're taking my nephew and his girlfriend out for breakfast. I have no idea what we're going to eat that's vegan? I feel good that we're still observing a vegetarian diet in honour of my Dad, but I have to say, I am looking forward to going back to a "regular diet". After breakfast, we might be heading over to my mom's house to sell a few more things from Kijiji, and then off to visit some relatives that I haven't seen in a long time. Then off for dinner at my niece's place.

The tears still come every now and then - sometimes when I least expect it. I wonder what will happen once the commotion is all over and I'm left to my own thoughts ... ? I guess only time will tell.

Make it a great one!

More whispers ....

So the next step in the journey is complete.

I got a little more sleep, but woke up with another tension headache knowing what the day would bring.

I chatted with my niece in Edmonton today. She’ll be coming in next Wednesday for the Thursday service.

After breakfast, we got ready to go to the funeral home. We met the family there and we waited for my dad’s casket to be brought to the funeral home.

My Dad arrived shortly after we got there and they pulled the casket from the hearse. It was a nice-blue casket – the same colour as my dad’s 2nd car. He loved blue, red too. My nephew said the casket was “ballin’”(street speak for having money, and in this case, a glitzy casket). That’s my Dad’s style – (ever wonder why I have a jewelry addiction??)

It was an open casket and it was so hard to see my dad laying there. I asked my dad this morning to give me some direction on the pendants – was I to give him one, keep all three, give one to my brother …? I don’t know why, but I decided that I needed to put the male god pendant in his hand and keep the other two. I hope I made the right decision.

He was laying in the outfit that he requested – a red dress shirt, a gray jacket with a red pocket square, and white pants. I also wore red – I knew he would like that. I lost it when I went to the casket, but once I composed myself, I put his cologne on for him. I told him that I knew that he was with me yesterday based on all the signs he sent me. Everyone in the family also put some cologne on him. I always thought my addiction to all things nice-smelling was a result of my 5 years with The Body Shop, but truth be told my addiction started long before I worked for The Body Shop. Every year for my birthday and Christmas, my Dad and Mom would always buy me jewelry for my birthday (usually something blue topaz (my birthstone)), and perfume for Christmas.

We had a service at the funeral home performed by my brother and the temple’s pundit and then went to the actual crematorium. Sounds weird, eh?

In Indian culture, the eldest son is the one who actually starts the fire for the funeral pyre, but since we’re not in India, and things are a little more advanced here, my brother has to push the button to start the cremation. Talk about tough.

The crematorium is located in a rural area and is very much off-the-beaten-path. We had no idea where we were going and the instructions we had were pretty vague, culminating with “it’s near some mailboxes”. As we were driving down the winding road, I said to Darwin (since we were the first ones there)that I didn’t think we were on the right road. Up ahead, there was a goose on the gravel road, and I leaned over, as I normally do, to honk the horn and give the birds a fighting chance against Darwin! I don’t know if this is normal or not, but I’ve never seen a Canadian Goose, singular. They’re ALWAYS in pairs. But this goose was alone. Normally, they get out of the way when we honk, but this goose actually stood at the side of the road and started hissing at us!!! And if that wasn’t enough, he then took flight and started following us down the road!!!!! It HAD to be my Dad telling us we were going the right way!!

We got to the crematorium and had to wait for the casket to arrive. While we were all in the waiting area, I noticed that there was an end table in the corner with a National Geographic magazine with the Eiffel tower on it. My dad took me twice to Paris and would always fondly remember our time at the Eiffel Tower. It had to be another sign. And on the wall, was a native Indian drawing of a bald eagle which was also symbolic because my brother said just a few days prior, a bald eagle had landed in his yard. He apparently has two couples of eagles that nest somewhere on his property, and they usually come together, but this was a sole bald eagle. More signs ….

We had one more set of rituals to complete before he was placed in the furnace. My brother, who never cries, finally broke down and could barely get through it, but managed to. Oddly enough, I didn’t even really cry during that part even though my mom and siblings were all very upset. It wasn’t until my brother hit the button to start the process that it really got to me.

We all went back to my sister’s place for more cooking and dinner, and are planning a family brunch tomorrow at her place while everyone is still here. It started to rain when we got to my sister’s and I’m sure my Dad had a little something to do with that. He held back the rain until we were all done. I think he sent the rain for me – he knows I love the rain, and although I am not an outdoor person, the fastest way to get me outside is to make it rain. Sounds like a corny singles ad, but “I love long walks in the rain” – seriously.

The pundit said that a diya (oil lamp) should be lit each day from now until my Dad’s service to remove darkness and help him on his journey.

Although my Dad is a Hindu and my mom was born a Muslim, I was baptized and confirmed as a Christian, but celebrated all three. I always thought my Dad’s statues were so, well ... strange. Half-man-half-monkey, half-man-half-elephant, goddesses with eight arms … and though I never worshiped in front of one and never had one in my house, I was compelled to pick them up from the hospice yesterday and keep them. Now I know why – I will light the diya in front of the gods each day until his service to ease his journey.

Again, thank you all for the emails, cards, flowers,thoughts, phone calls, condolences, and support. A special thank you to a special someone who honoured my father’s memory today by enjoying a vegetarian lunch.

On that note, I can’t believe that I’ve actually gone two days without meat! Yeah ME! It’s still hard, and takes a LOT more planning than usual. Of course, as with all things Hindu, it’s not as simple as just eating vegetarian – there are also restrictions on what type of vegetarian food (i.e. it can’t be fried, it shouldn’t be cooked in pots/pans that have had meat cooked in them etc). We are doing the best that we can without going to the nth degree. It’s just not feasible for us.

Anyway – back to the kitchen for me. I need to prep some stuff for brunch tomorrow, and then off to bed.

Good night everyone.

Listen ... the universe is whispering

First off, thank you to everyone for the kind words, emails, flowers, phone calls etc

I'm still not up for talking right now with anyone, but I feel today was a turning point of sorts.

Weird - exactly 24 hours ago I sent an email saying that my Dad had just passed a few hours earlier. Who knew that taking pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard)would be so therapeutic? Four very weird things happened today ….

Not a whole lot of sleep last night. I listened to some of my dad’s favourite songs while I was in bed, and had a good cry. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 or 4, and woke up around 6:20am. I must’ve fallen back to sleep and woke up to a ringing phone at 8:45am. It was my niece calling to make arrangements to come and pick me up and take me to the hospice to pack my dad’s things.

I’m so used to having a good breakfast (eggs, toast etc) but was a little lost this morning trying to think of all the things we need to do over the next 10 days. I had to break the news to Darwin that we can’t cook, eat or serve meat in our house (or anywhere else for that matter) until the services are over. As a hard-core meat-atarian, I don’t know how I’ll survive without a burger!

I went to the hospice with my niece and one of the nurses un-locked his room so we could collect his belongings. His room was eerily quiet. No oxygen tanks, no commotion, no nurses – no dad.

I started to pack up his things, and things that I used to scoff at all of a sudden meant the world to me. I took a miniature bottle of Old Spice – my dad’s “signature” scent (I hate the stuff, but that’s what he wanted from me for every birthday and every Father’s day). I took some of his CDs, a father’s day plaque that I gave him years ago, and the two hindu statues that were by his bedside last night when he passed away. It was really hard, but my niece and I had a few laughs along the way.

After the hospice she and I went to Michael’s to get some beads. I wanted to make a bracelet for each of my sisters and my mom. So there we were, faced with a wall of glittery, shiny Swarovski beads, with all sorts of pendants and jewelry when weird thing #1 happened. As I was traveling down the wall looking for the perfect beads, right at eye-level there was a small cardboard card with three dangling pendants of Hindu gods! There was absolutely no reason for those pendants to be there – they were so obviously out of place, and quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it at Michael’s before. I told my niece that my Dad was speaking to me and letting me know that he was doing great. I bought the pendants and am debating if I keep them or put them in his hands before the cremation tomorrow. I don’t know if he wanted me to get them for his journey or if he wants me to have them to remember him? I’ll have to decide quickly …

My niece and I went out for a late lunch at Earl’s(vegetarian kung pao). Just what I needed – something spicy and warm to warm me up. My dad LOVED spicy food.

I went home after lunch and got a call from my sister saying that I had to go get my nephew and his girlfriend at the airport. I was so sleep deprived and had the WORST tension headache ever, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

As we were waiting just outside of the airport to get my nephew, weird thing #2 happened. It was raining but sunny at the same time and we saw a rainbow. I told Darwin that it was my Dad again letting me know that he's ok.

As we were driving to my sister’s house from the airport, I pulled out the pendants to show my nephew and recount the story to him - that’s when weird thing #3 happened. I noticed that the card that the pendants were attached to said “4 pieces”, but one was missing. Was that why my Dad wanted me to buy those pendants? Does that missing piece represent him??

So we got to my sister’s place and although the last thing I wanted was to be around people, it turns out that’s probably exactly what I needed. I helped my sister make some rotis in preparation for the 7 extra people that are currently living in her house. I also got Darwin to bring some food over from our house to my sister’s – it’s the least I can do.

I left my sister’s place, sans headache!, and came home and finally feel like a weight has been lifted.

Tomorrow is the cremation. There will be a number of rituals that will need to be performed, including my brother shaving his head (which I think he’ll do tomorrow). The “service” will happen at 2pm and the cremation will happen at 5:30pm in a different location.

There’s some debate on the 10-day service. Is it 10 days from death? 10 days from the cremation?? We’ve finally settled on 10 days from death, with the day of death being day 1, so the public service will actually be next Thursday. I will provide details later.

It’s shortly after 11pm and I feel like I might actually get a good night’s sleep. Looking forward to it.

Oh yeah …. Weird thing#4 ….

So most of you know that I’m addicted to American Idol this season. We PVR’d it and I started the replay of Idol while I sat down to “blog”. A few songs in, Jacob Lusk, one of the contestants, started to talk about the song he was going to sing tonight - “Dance with my Father” by Luther Vandross!!! I LITERALLY just posted the link to this song on my Facebook account 19 minutes before he sang it. Incidentally, this was a song I chose nearly 2years ago to have a friend of mine sing at my Dad’s funeral! I listened to this song over and over again last night, thinking about my Dad, and here was Jacob singing it to millions of people, and ME. Among others, he dedicated it to people who have lost their Dad. He nearly lost it on stage while he sang it, but he saved it and pulled it together.

While I wouldn’t consider myself “religious”, I do consider myself a “spiritual person”. Oprah Winfrey started her own network this year called OWN, also an acronym for Oprah Winfrey Network. She has a series called “Masterclass with …” and she features really great, inspiring people. I recently watched an episode that I PVR’d, and the master class featured Oprah herself. She said something profound that resonated with me. The context in which she shared it was different than my situation, but I still feel it’s applicable for me. She said “The universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers …If you don’t pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder …If you don’t pay attention,the brick wall falls down …What are the whispers? What’s whispering to you now?”

My Dad whispered to me today – several times. He’s saying he’s ok and that we need not worry. He’s telling us that we all did right by him and that it’s time to let go and move on.

And with that, I bid you good night.

Goodbye, Dad ...

The time has finally come. After 5 years and 11 weeks from his initial diagnosis, my dad passed away ever so peacefully tonight at approximately 8:40pm.

After leaving the hospice this afternoon, I managed to get home and grab a shower and a quick bite before heading back to my mom's place to do some more packing. My oldest sister and my brother stayed at the hospice with my dad while my mom and other sister went home to pack.

It always seems that there's not much left to do until you get to the house and realize just how much there IS left to do.

I came back home and waited for my sister from Calgary to come over to eat dinner before she and I went back to the hospice to relieve my brother (who had been there since 3 this morning).

My oldest sister also managed to slip out long enough to go home and get a bite, and she also decided to return, even though she thought she might just stay home for the night and return early tomorrow morning. We opted to leave my mom at my sister's place for the night. She can get in the way at times and somehow often manages to make my dad's illness all about herself.

We got back to the hospice around 7pm and my niece met us there. We lit some tea lights around his hindu statues and said a prayer for him. While my brother took my dad's hands to touch the statues, a tear came from my dad's eye. Again, he was not coherent, but it's like he knew.

My sister (from Calgary) had brought some jewelry beads along with her that she wanted me to help her make a bracelet with. I brought all of my jewelry making stuff and she, my niece and I sat at the table in my dad's room and started making jewelry.

My dad's breathing was very laboured, sporadic, and also very congested. They had to aspirate him several times with a long tube but because he's so heavily drugged, it's likely that he didn't feel any pain or discomfort.

So the three of us are making jewelry and my oldest sister says that she's going to go home for the night and come back tomorrow, but not before she writes up some stuff on her computer to post to her blog tonight (we have lots of family overseas who are solely dependent on her blogs for updates). As she grabbed her computer, my dad started sputtering and flailing his arms. She went over to the bed and told him that she wasn't going to leave anymore, and instead she would stay at the hospice with me and my other sister for the night.

The nurse came in and gave him some more meds and my sister sat down with her laptop and started to write up her blog material.

The entire time we were making jewelry, I had an ear open on my dad's breathing. Every now and then he'd take just a little bit longer to take his next breath, and then all of a sudden, he just stopped breathing. I dropped everything and said, "Guys? I think Dad just stopped breathing??" My sisters said that everything was probably ok and that Dad had been breathing that way all day. I said, "No ...?! He hasn't taken a breath in a much longer time than normal ..." We all jumped up and went over to his bed. My two sisters and I along with my niece waited for what seemed like a lifetime for the next breath and it never came.

I checked his radial pulse and there was nothing, so I paged the nurse in immediately. She came in, and we continued to wait for him to breath. She grabbed her stethoscope and placed it to his heart and said that she heard a faint beat. We continued to wait, she checked it again, and then she said, "He's gone".

For all of his suffering over the past 5 years, and specifically over the past few weeks, it was truly poetic that his life would end exactly the way we'd want it to for him. No agitation, no crying, no fuss, no muss. In the end, everyone was exactly where they were destined to be at the moment of my dad's passing. My dad has always had a special place in his heart for his girls, and in the end, it was his three daughters and oldest granddaughter who were with him in his final moments.

I called Darwin at home and told him that my dad had just passed, so he went to my sister's place to get my mom and bring her to the hospice.

We stayed with him for about 2 hours, talking to him and holding his hands before we all decided to leave for the night. My niece and I will return tomorrow to pack up his belongings.

So I am finally off to bed, and hope to have the best night's sleep since Feb 1st when my dad left home. I've had a total of 2 hours sleep since 7am Monday morning and am looking forward to a peaceful night without the constant scare of the "middle of the night" phone call.

There will be a private (family only) cremation on Thursday, but we will be having a public ceremony on Friday April 29th and either Sunday May 1st or Monday May 2nd (depending on a few things).

I can provide more info as it becomes available.

It's been the craziest journey, but I'm thankful that I was where I was when it happened.

Good night everyone, and sleep tight.

Overnight update

Hi Everyone,

I've been at the hospice all night. We got a call from my sister around 2:10am saying that my dad's breathing has changed/declined rapidly and that it would be a good idea if the family came down.

Darwin and I had JUST seen him about 14 hours previously and he was "fine", and was fine up until around 10pm last night, but things have taken a turn for the worse.

His breathing is very laboured, and the nurses are giving him medication to deal with his congestion, his agitation and his pain. The pain meds are given every 4 hours to keep him pain-free, but he is no longer coherent, so we don't really know how much pain he's in. He occasionally gets agitated and his arms start to flail, so they try to keep him somewhat sedated.

I got about 2 hours of sleep last night, so I tried to get some shut-eye around 6am, but between my dad, the nurses, and the other patients, I gave up around 7:30 and decided to maybe try later.

My brother has done some religious rites (the eldest male has to do it) in preparation for my dad's next "journey" and we've all said our goodbyes to him, and given him the permission to leave us. We've also told him what we think he needs to hear - that we'll all take care of my mom and that there's nothing to worry about anymore.

I've left the hospice to come home, grab something to eat, shower, and then head back to the hospice or my parents' house (we still have stuff to do as possession date is next week). Someone from the family will be with my dad at all times so at least he won't be alone.

My sister-in-law who used to work in a hospital said that many people who know that they are dying are "waiting" for the right moment, and often after their family has gathered and given them permission to leave, they do. In many ways, with my sister's visit from Calgary planned for this week, I think we all thought that if it was going to happen, it would happen now. I don't wish his passing, but I wish that he no longer suffers.

Anyway - thanks for listening, reading and your support.

I'll update again when I can.