The man in the brown pants

A full week at work is now under my belt and I'm feeling "normal" returning slowly but surely.
I had a few funny-oops moments this week with some colleagues who came by to say that they hadn't seen me in a while and wondered how my vacation was. I think not that long ago I'd be stuck for something to say, but now it's easy to just say, "my Dad passed away". They of course feel guilty, but I remind them that there's nothing to feel guilty about! It's not like they knew and pretended they didn't know, right? They didn't know, so don't feel guilty about asking.
It's interesting to see how many people have lost a loved one and feel the exact same things I do. It's really kind of cool in a way. We're our own group out there!
I had a friend this week who recently suffered her own loss. Her beloved fur baby died and she was devastated. She's had her "baby" since he was a 3-week old kitten, and although he had been sick for some time, it didn't soften the blow. She mentioned how sometimes she seems him out of the corner of her eye, and I told her that I too had signs from my Dad shortly after he passed. That's when she told me about "the man in the brown pants".
Her husband, a friend of mine as well as a work colleague, lost his Dad suddenly to a heart attack a few years ago. He was devastated by the loss, and told me that it took a good one-and-a-half to two years to recover. (That scared me a little bit!) Over the years, he and I have pondered the following: If you had it to choose, would you choose to lose a loved one suddenly, or would you rather lose them to an illness?
I know, from our conversations, losing a loved one suddenly leaves a lot of unanswered questions and a lot of things unresolved. I know from experience that losing a loved one to a chronic, long-term illness is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining to everyone involved. There are scary days when I feel like I don't even remember the way my Dad was anymore - I can only think of him in terms of his illness. I see flashes of images of his frail body laying in a crumpled heap on his hospital bed. I see his once strong arms and hands as nothing more than skin and bones. I see old birthday cards from my Dad, or a piece of paper with a note that he's written, and I see his once-upon-a-time beautiful penmanship, which near the end turned into scrawly printing. It's heart-breaking.
I guess we never found an answer to our question, but I know that my experience, and that of my friend are the two extremes. Something in between is probably the best case scenario - not too long to suffer, but long enough to say goodbye.
So - what of "the man in the brown pants"?
My friend and I were talking about the "signs" that I saw in the days immediately after my Dad's passing. She said that she saw signs too after her father-in-law passed away. At the time of her father-in-law's sudden passing, she was about 36-weeks pregnant. In honour of his memory, they gave their daughter a middle name of Kenley in memory of her father-in-law "Ken". Apparently Ken was known for wearing a certain type of brown pants which his son has been known to wear as well.
Shortly after "Kenley" was born, my friend went up to Kenley's room to see her in her crib and she saw the "man in the brown pants" standing near the crib. She didn't see a face, not even really a torso, but saw the familiar brown pants, and then they just disappeared.
The man in the brown pants came by every now and then - she would see him floating from room to room, or he'd be "communicating" with Kenley, or more accurately, Kenley was communicating with him. She recalled how one night she was feeding the baby and the baby was stretching her arms out as if to be picked up, but she wasn't holding her arms up to her mother, she was holding her arms up to someone or something NEXT to her mother. My friend didn't always see the man in the brown pants even when the baby did, but she knew he was there just by the way the baby was acting.
It's been some time since the man in the brown pants has made an appearance, but in listening to her story, I couldn't help but think that the signs come when we need them most.
Last night I was at Chapters browsing through the books and came across a book titled "Drood". My Dad's name (an you'll recall) is Dood (Drood minus the "R") and the irony is that the title of the book was written in script in much the same way that my Dad wrote his own name. It was freaky, but as of late, I've been wondering why the signs aren't as frequent anymore. And then there it was, (or maybe I'm making too much of it). In any case, I remembered my Dad and smiled for a moment thinking that he knew I've been thinking about him and needed to know if he was ok.
Anyway - enough of my rambling for tonight.
I'm off to fill out my census form on-line. If you haven't already done it, and there's still time, please do it (today is the deadline)! For each Manitoban that doesn't fill it out there's a $42,000 reduction in provincial transfer payments from the federal government. Do your part!
Good night everyone and enjoy your weekend!

Archived emails now uploaded

Quick update -

So my blog was officially started on April 23rd, but long before the blog, there were emails that were sent out to a handful of special people.

The emails were starting to get longer and longer, and the distribution list was getting more and more complicated.

I decided that I would stop emailing and start a blog with a promise, one day, to upload some of the emails that I sent.

I finally got around to it this evening.

Feel free to peruse the old emails/new uploaded blogs dated April 2011.

As always, feel free to comment, or not :)

Goodnight all!

And now, on to the next challenge ...

Happy belated Mother's Day to all my mom friends!

The weekend seems so long ago - where has the time gone??

Saturday after work I basically came home and vegged out. Although I was at work for only 3 days, it sure felt like a whole week! I'm glad to be back, and happy that I feel like I'm right back in the groove of things.

Sunday I got two Mother's Day cards - one from Joe and one from my little cookie monster son, Romeo. Romeo has turned into quite the little cookie monster lately, demanding a cookie after his breakfast, which I'm more than happy to oblige him with. I also got some flowers, a gift card to Starbucks, and a promise for a dinner out at a restaurant of my choosing. How sweet!

After cards and gifts, I made a batch of "sweet roti" for pre-breakfast. They're a lot like crepes that we smear with peanut butter and enjoy. I say "pre-breakfast" because we had plans for Mother's Day brunch with Darwin's mom at the Scandinavian Cultural Centre.

I'm still not eating meat (officially 3 weeks!) and was positive that the only thing we'd get at brunch was link sausage, bacon and ham, so I decided that eating at home would be a good idea.

Well, to my utter delight, the buffet was FILLED with seafood (I am eating fish). I should've thought that a Scandinavian Cultural Centre would have fish - DUH! They had two full poached salmons, shrimp, calamari, mussels, smoked salmon - you name it, they had it!

After brunch, we headed to Polo Park. I haven't been there since some time last year, and it was nice to be out without worrying about where I wasn't (the hospice).

We got came back home, hung out for a bit, then went to see my Mom who is currently living with my sister. I normally buy her hanging baskets instead of flowers because they last right through until October, but now without her own house, I wasn't sure if she'd want baskets or not this year. I gave her a rain cheque for the baskets, and a promise to take her later this month when things warm up a bit, assuming she still wants them.

My sister asked us if we wanted to stay for an impromptu dinner, and since Darwin can't turn down curry, we stayed.

Monday I got some time to myself for the first time in a long time, then went to my favourite spa in the afternoon for some pampering. If anyone is reading this and is interested in the BEST facial in town, let me know :) I also have a $20 discount card for anyone who is trying out City Looks Spa for the first time :)

Joe and I got to babysit my grandnieces last night as the rest of the family went out for a combination Mother's Day/birthday party for my sister and her husband. While there was some pretty heavy negotiations and positive reinforcement going on between me and my grandnieces, all-in-all, the night went off without a hitch.

If you know anything about me at all, you know I love arts and crafts, so last night I found a craft idea where you colour grains of rice with food colouring and rubbing alcohol. Well, as the saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention, and in the absence of rubbing alcohol, I used vodka :) And in the absence of time, I put the wet rice in the oven to dry in time for craft time. I know everyone is biased when it comes to the talents of their children, but my grandnieces are SO talented and artistic, and I love watching them create their masterpieces!

So today is MY Monday. While I LOVE having REAL Mondays off, Tuesdays are SO hectic for me - back-to-back meetings, "lunch" at 4pm - you know, the typical Monday!

I got a call from Lisa at one of the local property management companies who was calling to let me know that there are 4 units coming available in one of the apartment blocks that I had put my mom's name on back in February. All 4 units will be available in July and it's one of the nicer units, albeit NOT a senior's complex.

I called my mom tonight to let her know that an opportunity to move is now on the table and she needs to start making some long-term decisions. She is reluctant to move right now, saying that she's "not ready", but I had to remind her that she's not moving next week - it's another 2 months away, and that she can't live with my sister forever.

Truth be known, I don't really want her to live in this particular unit (I want her in a senior's complex), and she doesn't REALLY have to leave my sister's place, but that being said, we all need to consider everyone's needs, and not just my mom's. The call today from the property management company at least served as a catalyst to a conversation about long-term living arrangements.

In my opinion, I don't think my mom living with my sister is healthy for either of them in the long-run, and more importantly, I think my mom needs to be in an environment with a peer group - people who have also experienced loss, and people who keep themselves busy during the day by engaging in group activities. Selfishly, it also takes some of the stress off of us knowing that someone will likely check on her everyday. I think for now we've agreed somewhat that staying with my sister for the summer with some time out in Alberta (with my other sister and one of my nieces) is a workable solution, but it's clear based on my conversation with her today that we'll need to broach the subject several times over the next few months and prepare her to move.

I hope everyone had a good weekend, and honoured the special ladies in their lives.

Make it a great week!

Day two (but really feels like day 22)

I got a peaceful albeit short sleep last night (probably 4 hours total). I spent some time talking on the phone with one of my nieces in Edmonton and didn't get to sleep until almost 2:30am.
I woke up around 6:20am and laid in bed reflecting on how much things have changed in such a short while.
I finally got out of bed around 7:30am, made some tea and toast for breakfast, got ready for work then went to the Kia dealership to pick up Kevin and take him to work (he had to go in and get his summer/winter tires swapped). We headed to McDonald's for a coffee run for Dena and I then headed in to work.
I felt like I had a somewhat productive day even though I'm still very much trying to get caught up with emails and deadlines past and future.
I got a few more condolences throughout the day from people that I didn't even think would know about my Dad's passing, and it was nice to know that they would take time out of their day to acknowledge our loss.
One colleague of mine came over and offered her condolences and we had a brief (somewhat misty-eyed) chat about the loss of a loved one - the feeling of being overwhelmed at times, feeling good at others then being suddenly reduced to tears, and all too often being overcome by the surreal-ness of it all. Our conversation at least served the purpose to confirm that I'm not alone, and the more I talk/write about it, the better for me.
I also found out, quite by accident today, that my "sister" (non-blood related) also started a blog, at least in part because of our conversation about the healing power of writing. I encourage anyone who is reading this to do the same - even if you never share it, even if you think you're not a good writer, even if you think you have nothing "good" to write about.
My "sister" and I chatted this morning around 8am - she sent me an email late yesterday, an excerpt of which I will publish:
I don't know very much at all about hinduism. I was looking in the macy's brochure today. They had pendant necklaces and the first one I saw was the Eiffel tower. I thought of you and said to Tim, "Sophie has been there!". The next pendant that I noticed had a very interesting configuration. It looked like a "3" with some other things around it. I remember noticing on the wall at the temple a similar symbol. I said to Tim, I think that's a Hindu symbol. What is this doing in the Macy's flyer. I almost took a picture of it to ask you. Instead I googled! Sure enough its the same symbol. I don't know what it means. More odd is I don't know how or why its in the Macy's catalogue.
So what's strange is that Kevin and I were chatting yesterday about my new necklace, a gift from my "sister". It looked somewhat familiar because it's on a pretty popular commercial. It's the Jane Seymour "open heart" necklace which kind of looks like two hearts joined at the points, but open at the opposite ends. It resembles a swan, which, (not many people know) is the translation of part of my first, legal, Indian name. I've always loved swans, and this particular necklace is a new release because it also coincidentally has my birthstone in it! It is so beyond perfect on its own, but the reason she gave it to me is because she too lost her Dad (15 years ago! Where has the time gone?!) She attached a note, part of which I'll include in my blog:
"After my Dad passed, I bought myself a necklace. On one side it says "ONE DAY AT A TIME". On the other side it says, "Dad, October 26th, 1996" ... I also count days and things are relative to that day ... I think it's the bond between a father and a daughter and the extreme life shift that occurs after they are gone. No one compares to your Dad ... I hope you find strength in my small gift ... Two hearts connected in a special bond that happens between a daughter and her Dad".
I was starting to tell Kevin about my special gift but got choked up and couldn't finish it (hopefully you're reading it now, Kev!), but I don't think it's coincidental that I was talking about her yesterday morning, and that evening she sees two "signs" that remind her of me!
What she didn't know was that the "3" that she saw at the temple, and now in the Macy's catalogue, is the same symbol that I had tattooed on my back years ago as a visual reminder of my Dad (I have a second tattoo of a crescent moon and star (the symbol for Islam as my mother was born and raised as a Muslim (but is now a Christian, but that's a story for another day))).
The "3" or Aum (pronounced Om) is hard to explain, but it is considered by Hindus to be the eternal sound of the universe. It encompasses in its three letters the creation of the universe, the life of the universe, and the destruction of the universe (deep stuff, I know!) :)
They say that somewhere in the world, at any given time, someone is thinking about you. An old friend, a current one, a parent, a spouse, maybe even someone who suffers from unrequited love.
To my "sister" - I thought about you today, and I know you're thinking about me. Today's blog is dedicated to you, and to echo your sentiment:

Who we become in life begins with family. Thank YOU for including me in yours.

Goodnight, all!

A good start, but a long day

My brother called me late last night, after I posted my blog, to see how I was doing. He had had my mom and her two sisters out to his farm for the evening for dinner, and had just returned home after dropping them back off in the city. We were just chatting and then he said that he had come to the realization the day previous (Tuesday) that he didn't need to go to the hospice. He said that I was probably feeling the same way because Wednesday was always my day to go. I guess we're all feeling that way - all of this new found time that we have and we're not quite sure what to do with ourselves.
I woke up this morning still apprehensive about what the day would hold. I got some of my stuff together then remembered that it was also daycare day and needed to get Romeo sorted out too.
I got to the daycare around 9:30 and dropped the "baby" off and met Shelley - one of the owners. With everything that's been happening over the past couple of weeks I haven't had the time to take the baby to school, so it was the first time that I've really seen anyone outside of close friends and day-to-day colleagues. Shelley gave me a big hug and said it was nice to see me again.
I got to work shortly before 10 and saw my friend and fellow Team Manager Kevin. Kevin knows better than to get into anything heavy so we kept it light. I was totally fine until another colleague of mine (coincidentally also named Kevin) came over and tried to offer his condolences. He stretched his arms out to hug me and all I could do was keep repeating, "not now, not now, not now" as I backed away from him. I could feel that all too familiar lump in my throat starting to make its appearance, and managed to squeak out, "I'll take a rain cheque on your hug". As soon as he left, I lost it .... I felt so bad for Kevin because I knew that he was doing everything he could to talk about ANYTHING but my Dad. Great job, Kevin! He managed to get me to laugh a bit, and all was good from there.
For the most part, that was the worst of it - nearly everyone simply said, "It's nice to see you back", or "We/I missed you - nice to see you", and the day passed reasonably well.
It was nice to be back at work, and although I feel like so much time has passed, I DID manage to remember my passwords (yeah, me!), and despite 800+ emails, I felt like, for the most past, I was able to pick up where things left off.
After work we went to my sister's place for a postponed Easter dinner. We had originally planned to do Easter dinner at the hospice with my Dad on Good Friday, but of course after everything happened, things changed.
It was nice to see my aunts again before they leave on Saturday to go back to Toronto. Darwin and I got to spend some quality time with my very cool Aunt Madge, and she told us all about her life (when she got married, all about her husband, her move to Canada etc). I have a great appreciation for all of the sacrifices she made for her children and I know they do too. She's so AMAZING! I bought her a small gift as my way of saying "Thank you" - for being here for our family, all of her hard-work with food preparation over the past week, and generally just being such a great person. I'll really miss her, but am thankful that I got to know her so much better on this trip.
Although it's only been one day at work, it does almost feel like it's been a whole week. I'm looking forward to the "weekend" - well MY weekend at least :)
Make it a good one, everyone!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going ...

I'd hardly call Billy Ocean an inspirational singer, but to coin a phrase from his song, it's time to get going - back to work that is.
I talked to my mom this morning and we both realized that today is the first Wednesday that we're not heading to the hospice. There will be many more firsts this week, that's for sure. As I sit here and type, I think of one of the first things I'll see when I get back to my office - the hospice phone number and my Dad's phone number pinned to my office wall, right in plain sight as my visual reminder to call and check up on him (as if I needed one).
I don't quite know what to expect - other than hundreds and hundreds of emails. I'm anxious. Anxious that I'll turn into a puddle of tears at the first person to offer their condolences that hasn't already done so by way of email, flowers, cards, or my Dad's memorial service. Anxious about all the things I may have forgotten. Anxious about deadlines. I just want things to go back to normal.
It's only been two weeks, and yet in some ways, it all feels like a very distant point in the past, probably more so because things have been moving at lightening speed for the past couple of weeks. Nonetheless, as anxious as I am, I'm also excited.
We made plans tonight for lunch on Sunday with Darwin's mom for Mother's Day, and then we'll probably do dinner with my Mom. Even though Mother's Day is right around the corner, I can't help but think about Father's Day in June - the first without my Dad. The last few years we've celebrated each Father's Day, Christmas, birthday etc as though it could be our last, and now it's here, and I'm not sure what to make of it all. I guess we'll know when we get there.
Anyway - I'm off to spend my last few hours in peace, quiet, and reflection before I go back to work tomorrow.
Wish me luck, and make it a great one!!

Back to life, back to reality

I have a really close friend who always accuses me of turning everyday situations into a musical. She thinks that any opportunity that I can find to sing about something, I do, and I think she's right. So, today's post is aptly named after the Soul II Soul 1989 hit, Back to Life.
The past few days have been nothing short of a whirlwind of activity. Marathon days of cooking, cleaning, running errands, and multiple services have rendered me past the point of exhaustion.
Wednesday was mostly prep work for Thursday's services, as well as the disposal of my Dad's ashes by my brother and mom in the river. In Hindu custom, the ashes must be spread in running water (i.e. a river, not a lake), so my brother and mom went down to the river in my parents' old neighbourhood - a place that was both familiar and comforting.
Thursday we had a pretty early start to a very long day. My brother shaved his head (another Hindu custom), then went to the river to dispose of his hair. We had the first private service at my sister's home on Thursday morning, then another trip to the river to dispose of all of the offerings made during the service (flowers, money, rice, sesame seeds, barley flower, etc). I then barely had time to get home, showered again, and dressed for the service at the temple at 4pm.
We got to the temple around 1:30pm and started setting up. There were a few guys from the temple that volunteered to cook, which I hope was cut down quite a bit due to all of the prep work we did the day before. We took close to 500 puris (roti/flatbread) that we cooked the night before, 3-1 litre pails of chopped onions, 1 litre of garlic paste, chopped butternut squash, chopped spinach, etc It was so much work, but it was the least we could do for the volunteers that were helping out.
Closer to the service time, I took the role of greeter which allowed me to not only meet everyone, but also ensure that everyone knew the rules of the temple (no shoes!)
While I was humbled by the number of people that came out to my Dad's memorial service, I was most humbled by the outpouring of support from my friends and colleagues. I simply lost count at 25 people that came out to honour my father's memory. I have no words to express my heart-felt gratitude. Thank you is not enough, but know that I will forever remember your love and support at such a difficult time.
A very special THANK YOU to two extra special people:
Mesia - It's been a long time coming, but your singing at my Dad's memorial service was always in the stars. Divine intervention played a role in you being here, in town, during our crisis, and your angelic voice being heard throughout the temple is not something anyone will soon forget.
Tara - my "sister" of my heart. My Dad loved you like you were his own, so it was only fitting that you'd be here for his memorial service. I appreciate that you flew home not only for my Dad, but to be here for me and my family as well. My Dad was one of your biggest fans and will continue to watch over both of us. Keep your eyes open for the signs!
After the second service on Thursday, the entire family went to the hospice to take some of the leftover food to the nurses. We took the opportunity to show the facility to some of our family who had never seen it before, and as we were leaving, we saw a single "fire-and-ice" rose (red on one side of the petal, white on the other) in a vase with a dedication to my Dad. It was hard to see, and for some reason, hard to write about right now? It was fitting that it was a red and white rose - my Dad loved red, and wore a red dress shirt and white pants in preparation for his cremation. It was clear that my Dad made an impact on many people's lives at the hospice, and we wanted them to know that we were appreciative of all of the love, support and care that they all offered my father during his stay at the hospice. They ensured that he got the best care possible, and that he lived his remaining days with the utmost dignity. As in life, so too in death.
Friday was a bit of a blur, but I did get to go out for coffee on Friday night with Tara and an old friend from high school who recently moved back to Winnipeg after 10+years in the States. We also went out for lunch on Saturday, but again the afternoon was filled with errands for Sunday's service.
We had the third and final service on Sunday - 13 days after my Dad's passing. According to Hindu custom, if we did everything correctly, then we have prepared his soul for salvation and he will attain peace.
My brother was informed during the last service that, TECHNICALLY, he needs to remain vegetarian for 1 whole year! The pundit said that he won't need to do that, but he may need to do it for the next month.
I myself haven't had meat in 2 weeks, but I did have some seafood today. I am reintroducing fish/seafood this week, but am still not sure that I'll return to red meat anytime soon.
Monday I spent three hours typing a transcription from a 90-minute focus group that my sister conducted as research for her PhD. I don't think I was too helpful as I only managed to transcribe 20 minutes, but I guess it's better than nothing?
Last night, I took some melatonin to help induce sleep, but some good that did - I woke up at 1am, 4am, and 6:30am. Hhhmmm ... I'll need to find another solution, and fast!
Today officially marks two weeks since my Dad's passing. I've barely had time to digest what's happened simply because we've all been too busy to face it head-on.
I suspect tomorrow will be a tough day. It'll be the first Wednesday in 13 weeks that I won't be going to the hospice.
As I write my blog now, I'm anxious about not being there tomorrow. So many times I thought about what it would be like to NOT have to go to the hospice, and now here it is, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. I feel guilty? But why? I guess that's for me to figure out ...
So I end tonight the way I started -
Back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now ...