First off, thank you to everyone for the kind words, emails, flowers, phone calls etc
I'm still not up for talking right now with anyone, but I feel today was a turning point of sorts.
Weird - exactly 24 hours ago I sent an email saying that my Dad had just passed a few hours earlier. Who knew that taking pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard)would be so therapeutic? Four very weird things happened today ….
Not a whole lot of sleep last night. I listened to some of my dad’s favourite songs while I was in bed, and had a good cry. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 or 4, and woke up around 6:20am. I must’ve fallen back to sleep and woke up to a ringing phone at 8:45am. It was my niece calling to make arrangements to come and pick me up and take me to the hospice to pack my dad’s things.
I’m so used to having a good breakfast (eggs, toast etc) but was a little lost this morning trying to think of all the things we need to do over the next 10 days. I had to break the news to Darwin that we can’t cook, eat or serve meat in our house (or anywhere else for that matter) until the services are over. As a hard-core meat-atarian, I don’t know how I’ll survive without a burger!
I went to the hospice with my niece and one of the nurses un-locked his room so we could collect his belongings. His room was eerily quiet. No oxygen tanks, no commotion, no nurses – no dad.
I started to pack up his things, and things that I used to scoff at all of a sudden meant the world to me. I took a miniature bottle of Old Spice – my dad’s “signature” scent (I hate the stuff, but that’s what he wanted from me for every birthday and every Father’s day). I took some of his CDs, a father’s day plaque that I gave him years ago, and the two hindu statues that were by his bedside last night when he passed away. It was really hard, but my niece and I had a few laughs along the way.
After the hospice she and I went to Michael’s to get some beads. I wanted to make a bracelet for each of my sisters and my mom. So there we were, faced with a wall of glittery, shiny Swarovski beads, with all sorts of pendants and jewelry when weird thing #1 happened. As I was traveling down the wall looking for the perfect beads, right at eye-level there was a small cardboard card with three dangling pendants of Hindu gods! There was absolutely no reason for those pendants to be there – they were so obviously out of place, and quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it at Michael’s before. I told my niece that my Dad was speaking to me and letting me know that he was doing great. I bought the pendants and am debating if I keep them or put them in his hands before the cremation tomorrow. I don’t know if he wanted me to get them for his journey or if he wants me to have them to remember him? I’ll have to decide quickly …
My niece and I went out for a late lunch at Earl’s(vegetarian kung pao). Just what I needed – something spicy and warm to warm me up. My dad LOVED spicy food.
I went home after lunch and got a call from my sister saying that I had to go get my nephew and his girlfriend at the airport. I was so sleep deprived and had the WORST tension headache ever, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
As we were waiting just outside of the airport to get my nephew, weird thing #2 happened. It was raining but sunny at the same time and we saw a rainbow. I told Darwin that it was my Dad again letting me know that he's ok.
As we were driving to my sister’s house from the airport, I pulled out the pendants to show my nephew and recount the story to him - that’s when weird thing #3 happened. I noticed that the card that the pendants were attached to said “4 pieces”, but one was missing. Was that why my Dad wanted me to buy those pendants? Does that missing piece represent him??
So we got to my sister’s place and although the last thing I wanted was to be around people, it turns out that’s probably exactly what I needed. I helped my sister make some rotis in preparation for the 7 extra people that are currently living in her house. I also got Darwin to bring some food over from our house to my sister’s – it’s the least I can do.
I left my sister’s place, sans headache!, and came home and finally feel like a weight has been lifted.
Tomorrow is the cremation. There will be a number of rituals that will need to be performed, including my brother shaving his head (which I think he’ll do tomorrow). The “service” will happen at 2pm and the cremation will happen at 5:30pm in a different location.
There’s some debate on the 10-day service. Is it 10 days from death? 10 days from the cremation?? We’ve finally settled on 10 days from death, with the day of death being day 1, so the public service will actually be next Thursday. I will provide details later.
It’s shortly after 11pm and I feel like I might actually get a good night’s sleep. Looking forward to it.
Oh yeah …. Weird thing#4 ….
So most of you know that I’m addicted to American Idol this season. We PVR’d it and I started the replay of Idol while I sat down to “blog”. A few songs in, Jacob Lusk, one of the contestants, started to talk about the song he was going to sing tonight - “Dance with my Father” by Luther Vandross!!! I LITERALLY just posted the link to this song on my Facebook account 19 minutes before he sang it. Incidentally, this was a song I chose nearly 2years ago to have a friend of mine sing at my Dad’s funeral! I listened to this song over and over again last night, thinking about my Dad, and here was Jacob singing it to millions of people, and ME. Among others, he dedicated it to people who have lost their Dad. He nearly lost it on stage while he sang it, but he saved it and pulled it together.
While I wouldn’t consider myself “religious”, I do consider myself a “spiritual person”. Oprah Winfrey started her own network this year called OWN, also an acronym for Oprah Winfrey Network. She has a series called “Masterclass with …” and she features really great, inspiring people. I recently watched an episode that I PVR’d, and the master class featured Oprah herself. She said something profound that resonated with me. The context in which she shared it was different than my situation, but I still feel it’s applicable for me. She said “The universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers …If you don’t pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder …If you don’t pay attention,the brick wall falls down …What are the whispers? What’s whispering to you now?”
My Dad whispered to me today – several times. He’s saying he’s ok and that we need not worry. He’s telling us that we all did right by him and that it’s time to let go and move on.
And with that, I bid you good night.
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