Time is measured in different ways by everyone. Is it measured in minutes and seconds? Hours? Days? Months? Years? The last time you saw a loved one? Maybe it's a countdown to a vacation, or a special event, like a birthday. Ask any child in December when Christmas is going to be here, and they'll have it down to the number of sleeps. Time for me is now measured relative to the night my Dad died, my new ground zero.
Last night, I was getting ready for bed, and while there's a little less anxiety each night about the middle-of-the-night phone call from the hospice, it doesn't stop me from thinking about and remembering this time last week. I went to bed last night around 10:30 pm. Exactly one week prior was when everything started. It's as if time has stood still. The rest of the world is still operating, but my world is on hold. Everything is now measured in time lapsed from 8:40pm, Tuesday, April 19th.
1 day after his death we cleaned out his room at the hospice. 2 days after his death, he was cremated. 6 days after his death, we moved everything out of the house. 9 days after his death, we spread his ashes. 10 days after his death, we do the rituals and memorial service. 10 days after his death, we give possession of my parents’ home to the new owners. 13 days after his death, we have another service at home for him.
Today marks a week since my Dad’s passing. A whole week.
7 days.
168 hours.
10,080 minutes.
604,800 seconds.
When will time go back to being measured on a calendar or a clock, and not by my Dad’s passing?
Tomorrow will be a busy day. The spreading of his ashes, more grocery shopping, food prep for the guys who’ll be cooking on Thursday, out-of-town visitors arriving, and mass production line-cooking tomorrow at my sisters place to make the puris (pronounced poo-ree) for the temple the next day.
Puris are just one of many types of Indian “breads”. We don’t have loaves per se, but just the way you can find tortillas, croissants, bread loaves or buns in a bakery, Indians have different types of bread. Each sub-culture in India/Pakistan/Bangladesh etc will have a type of bread that is typical to that region (think of the French and their croissants vs the British and their scones for instance). Puris are not very commonly made, and are usually reserved for weddings or other ceremonial rituals. Most often, we eat paratha roti (I call it the Indian equivalent of a croissant, but flat), but my Dad also liked sada (or simple) roti which is more like a really fat pita. We also make another kind of puri called dhal puri, which is a roti that is stuffed with ground, spiced yellow split peas. There’s no real comparison or equivalent that I can think of. My “sister” from Missouri nearly goes into a coma when she gets them! They’re my favourite too! The other three that are common in our culture are sweet roti (kind of like a crepe) which we eat with peanut butter for breakfast, potato roti, (like dhal puri, but stuffed with spiced potatoes like the ones you find in a samosas), and finally sugar roti (kind of like dhal puri, but stuffed with sugar instead). It’s usually something your mom will make for you if she has a little bit of dough left and you’ve been a good helper in the kitchen.
I will be vigilantly watching the clock this evening, waiting for 8:40pm. I will try my best to celebrate and remember the best of my Dad instead of marking the week with sad memories of his passing.
Wish me luck – I may need it.
Please feel free to comment or ask questions – it lets me know that someone out there is reading my ramblings.
Have a great night, everyone!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
A surprisingly emotional day filled with blessings
The day started off at 6:20am because a little furry somebody wanted to get out of his kennel. After taking him out and throwing him a carrot as a reward, I put him back in his kennel and told him it was still "night-night". I fully expected him to revolt and start barking, but smart puppy that he is, it's like he knew that I needed more rest and he didn't protest at all. I turned the TV on and watched Fawlty Towers until I fell back to sleep. I woke up around 8:30, showered, and headed over to the seamstress to give her the material to sew my suits for the services.
I got a little teary eyed when I told her why I needed them so quickly, but was pretty proud that I didn't have a full-out break-down! Well ... that was short lived.
My sister called and said that we couldn't get the ashes today, so we'll have to wait until Wednesday to spread the ashes. According to custom, we can only spread them on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.
I headed over to the house and got there shortly after noon. The movers gave a commitment of sometime between noon and 2 pm.
I got into the house and it was so strange to hear my own echo in there. With everything removed, there were no couches, beds, tables, or anything else to absorb the sound. Everywhere I looked, I saw my Dad. The dining room table and where we sat so many times to eat. His little three-tiered stand that was in the corner of the dining room where he had his "office". His bedroom and his bed. I went to the bathroom, and I could swear I could smell his cologne. I looked at all of the hooks he had in the medicine cabinet to hang all of his razors, scissors, toothbrushes, etc My heart and my soul felt as hollow as the house. I had an absolute break-down, and this was the first time I was alone. No Darwin, no sisters, no brother, no mom .... just me, myself, and I. I was nearly inconsolable, and felt like I was hyperventilating. When I get really upset, I get nauseous, and felt like that several times while I was there.
To be honest, that's what I fear most, and always have throughout this whole journey. While witnessing my Dad's illness take over his whole body, and witnessing my father's passing were scary enough - what scares me most is the silence. If anyone has any tips, I'd love for you to share them. I don't look forward to the calm after the storm.
Darwin was out at an appointment and came to meet me at the house. He brought me a tea and saw how upset I was when he got to the house. He ushered me outside to compose myself, and we sat on the front steps like my father did so many times. He loved being outside, taking care of his near golf course perfect lawn. He always double-cut his lawn, once in one direction, then a 2nd time in a 90-degree angle so that he could have the perfect diamond pattern in his immaculate lawn. He truly was the envy of the neighbourhood. Some habits die hard - I do the same thing.
We walked around the yard and I remembered how my Dad loved to hang his hammock between the two trees in the backyard, swinging for hours and reading his Reader's Digest magazines, which later turned to National Geographic.
There were many hanging basket brackets left attached to the front of the house, one of which I made when I was in grade 10. My parents left it there all these years. I wanted to take it with me but Darwin said I should leave it. He said that my Dad's mark is all over the house and property, and my bracket added to that.
We sat around until 1:30pm when we got a call from the movers to say that they were stopping for coffee and would be at the house in 30-45 minutes. Well an hour later they still weren't there. I was NOT impressed. I called their dispatch office and they said they were about 10 minutes away. I called and left a message with the office manager and will look to get a discount on the move. A 2-hour window is understandable. Calling me and saying that you're 30-45 minutes away, showing up an hour later, and being 40 minutes past the originally agreed upon time is unacceptable.
It's so strange to see 37 years of hard work reduced to 30 boxes and a bedroom suite. The move itself didn't take that long. We met the movers at the storage unit, signed the papers and watched them unload everything.
We got home and ordered two pizzas - cheese only, and a shahi paneer pizza from our new favourite indian pizza joint. The pizza had paneer (a soft indian cheese - really easy to make!), cashews, raisins, and the same sauce used in butter chicken. Darwin really loved it. I'm more of a plain pizza kinda gal.
I made plans to go with my sister to another indian store to see if they have any ready-to-wear indian suits for the memorial service for her to wear. I was just about ready to call her when the phone rang. The number on call display showed my best friend/sister down in Missouri. I haven't talked to her since my Dad died. She and I have known each other since we were 5 (that's a loooong time!) and we grew up together. She was often at my house, and I was often at hers, and as a result, we saw each others parents as our own. I know my Dad very much regarded her as a daughter.
I wasn't sure I was ready to speak with her just yet, but she took the time to call, so the least I could do is answer the phone. We chatted for a bit - I told her about the move today, and we shared some memories about my Dad. She lost her Dad many years ago, suddenly, and has been a great source of advice and compassion during the entire process. She said she had something to tell me but she didn't want me to get mad. I was so concerned - I didn't know what I could possibly be mad at her for?? She told me that almost the moment she found out about my Dad's passing, she booked a ticket back home.
I am humbled by her offer to fly home. It's not quite right to say that I can't believe she's doing it, because that's her style, but I am surprised nonetheless. What a blessing.
But I did say blessings, plural, in the title.
The other blessing?
Two years ago when I thought we were going to lose my Dad, I asked a very good friend of mine if she would be able to sing at my Dad's service. Truthfully, I wasn't sure how we would even be able to do it as a traditional Hindu ceremony is hardly the place to sing a "pop song", but if there was a way to do it, I wanted it done.
Sadly, she moved out of the city last August. So much for having her at my Dad's service.
Well, as fate would have it, she's in town right now (for 3 weeks) to celebrate her niece's christening.
She knew that my Dad had passed away and offered, if she was able, to sing at my Dad's service. She is a yoga instructor, and unfortunately had previously committed to back-to-back-to-back classes during the time of my Dad's service.
I guess it wasn't meant to be. Oh well ....
Wait - I said there was a blessing in all of this. She managed to find replacements for all three of her classes so that she is able to join us on the afternoon/evening of the service to bring to fruition my dream of her singing Dance with my Father at my Dad's service.
My heart is bursting at the seams with all of the kindness that the world has to offer these days.
I am truly, truly blessed to have such a network of caring, supportive friends.
For that, I am truly grateful.
I got a little teary eyed when I told her why I needed them so quickly, but was pretty proud that I didn't have a full-out break-down! Well ... that was short lived.
My sister called and said that we couldn't get the ashes today, so we'll have to wait until Wednesday to spread the ashes. According to custom, we can only spread them on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.
I headed over to the house and got there shortly after noon. The movers gave a commitment of sometime between noon and 2 pm.
I got into the house and it was so strange to hear my own echo in there. With everything removed, there were no couches, beds, tables, or anything else to absorb the sound. Everywhere I looked, I saw my Dad. The dining room table and where we sat so many times to eat. His little three-tiered stand that was in the corner of the dining room where he had his "office". His bedroom and his bed. I went to the bathroom, and I could swear I could smell his cologne. I looked at all of the hooks he had in the medicine cabinet to hang all of his razors, scissors, toothbrushes, etc My heart and my soul felt as hollow as the house. I had an absolute break-down, and this was the first time I was alone. No Darwin, no sisters, no brother, no mom .... just me, myself, and I. I was nearly inconsolable, and felt like I was hyperventilating. When I get really upset, I get nauseous, and felt like that several times while I was there.
To be honest, that's what I fear most, and always have throughout this whole journey. While witnessing my Dad's illness take over his whole body, and witnessing my father's passing were scary enough - what scares me most is the silence. If anyone has any tips, I'd love for you to share them. I don't look forward to the calm after the storm.
Darwin was out at an appointment and came to meet me at the house. He brought me a tea and saw how upset I was when he got to the house. He ushered me outside to compose myself, and we sat on the front steps like my father did so many times. He loved being outside, taking care of his near golf course perfect lawn. He always double-cut his lawn, once in one direction, then a 2nd time in a 90-degree angle so that he could have the perfect diamond pattern in his immaculate lawn. He truly was the envy of the neighbourhood. Some habits die hard - I do the same thing.
We walked around the yard and I remembered how my Dad loved to hang his hammock between the two trees in the backyard, swinging for hours and reading his Reader's Digest magazines, which later turned to National Geographic.
There were many hanging basket brackets left attached to the front of the house, one of which I made when I was in grade 10. My parents left it there all these years. I wanted to take it with me but Darwin said I should leave it. He said that my Dad's mark is all over the house and property, and my bracket added to that.
We sat around until 1:30pm when we got a call from the movers to say that they were stopping for coffee and would be at the house in 30-45 minutes. Well an hour later they still weren't there. I was NOT impressed. I called their dispatch office and they said they were about 10 minutes away. I called and left a message with the office manager and will look to get a discount on the move. A 2-hour window is understandable. Calling me and saying that you're 30-45 minutes away, showing up an hour later, and being 40 minutes past the originally agreed upon time is unacceptable.
It's so strange to see 37 years of hard work reduced to 30 boxes and a bedroom suite. The move itself didn't take that long. We met the movers at the storage unit, signed the papers and watched them unload everything.
We got home and ordered two pizzas - cheese only, and a shahi paneer pizza from our new favourite indian pizza joint. The pizza had paneer (a soft indian cheese - really easy to make!), cashews, raisins, and the same sauce used in butter chicken. Darwin really loved it. I'm more of a plain pizza kinda gal.
I made plans to go with my sister to another indian store to see if they have any ready-to-wear indian suits for the memorial service for her to wear. I was just about ready to call her when the phone rang. The number on call display showed my best friend/sister down in Missouri. I haven't talked to her since my Dad died. She and I have known each other since we were 5 (that's a loooong time!) and we grew up together. She was often at my house, and I was often at hers, and as a result, we saw each others parents as our own. I know my Dad very much regarded her as a daughter.
I wasn't sure I was ready to speak with her just yet, but she took the time to call, so the least I could do is answer the phone. We chatted for a bit - I told her about the move today, and we shared some memories about my Dad. She lost her Dad many years ago, suddenly, and has been a great source of advice and compassion during the entire process. She said she had something to tell me but she didn't want me to get mad. I was so concerned - I didn't know what I could possibly be mad at her for?? She told me that almost the moment she found out about my Dad's passing, she booked a ticket back home.
I am humbled by her offer to fly home. It's not quite right to say that I can't believe she's doing it, because that's her style, but I am surprised nonetheless. What a blessing.
But I did say blessings, plural, in the title.
The other blessing?
Two years ago when I thought we were going to lose my Dad, I asked a very good friend of mine if she would be able to sing at my Dad's service. Truthfully, I wasn't sure how we would even be able to do it as a traditional Hindu ceremony is hardly the place to sing a "pop song", but if there was a way to do it, I wanted it done.
Sadly, she moved out of the city last August. So much for having her at my Dad's service.
Well, as fate would have it, she's in town right now (for 3 weeks) to celebrate her niece's christening.
She knew that my Dad had passed away and offered, if she was able, to sing at my Dad's service. She is a yoga instructor, and unfortunately had previously committed to back-to-back-to-back classes during the time of my Dad's service.
I guess it wasn't meant to be. Oh well ....
Wait - I said there was a blessing in all of this. She managed to find replacements for all three of her classes so that she is able to join us on the afternoon/evening of the service to bring to fruition my dream of her singing Dance with my Father at my Dad's service.
My heart is bursting at the seams with all of the kindness that the world has to offer these days.
I am truly, truly blessed to have such a network of caring, supportive friends.
For that, I am truly grateful.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
A fun day and more coincidences
Although I woke up sort of early today (7am), I fed the dog and started to watch Eat, Pray, Love which I had PVR'd a couple of weeks ago.
For anyone who hasn't read the book, it's a story about a woman who has a personal crisis of sorts, followed by the realization that she's lost herself along the way. The book/movie chronicles her journey across the world to find herself again. Personally, I found the book more rewarding than the movie, but I thought the story line was great.
I must've fallen asleep during the movie and woke up around 11am! I don't even know the last time I did that!
I woke up and made dinner for tonight (chickpea curry with rice pilaf) as I was planning to be out for the remainder of the day.
Around 1pm one of my best friends, really more like a sister, came by to pick me up to take me shopping at one of the local indian stores. We perused the myriad of outfits, with dizzying patterns, and some of the most ornate embroidery you'll ever see. Indians are not afraid of colour, and if you can imagine a colour, chances are it exists in some way, shape or form in an Indian outfit.
There are three main types of outfits for women -
saris - fabric ranging from 4-9 metres in length, wrapped around the body in a multitude of styles
lehengas (long or short top with a long skirt),
and a salwar kameez (usually a long top with MC hammer-like pants, that are either really loose and billowy like super-wide bell-bottoms, or tighter like leggings)
I finally made the decision to purchase two sets of fabric which were both unfinished products (i.e. I need a seamstress to sew the outfits for me). I asked the shop owner if it would be possible to get both sewn by Wednesday (for pick-up) and he asked if I could come back on Monday for all the measurements to be taken. Unfortunately, with all of the events tomorrow, there's no way I'd be able to squeeze in an early morning 30 km round trip in. Besides, if the measurements were wrong, I'd have to make this trip a few times and that's just not feasible with everything else that needs to be done.
He asked what part of town I live in, and when I told him, he said that the seamstress was in the same part of town. As it turns out, I can almost LITERALLY see her backyard from my backyard! I've chosen to get both made in the salwar kameez style. I'm not big on skirts or dresses, so the pants will suit me just fine. For anyone who has never tried on an Indian outfit, let me say that as ornate as they may look, they are some of the most comfortable clothing you'll ever wear. I'll head over to the seamstress in the morning and get measured so that she can start sewing. I can't wait to see the finished product.
Here's a funny story - As I was chatting with the shop owner telling him what style of suit I wanted, he asked if I wanted "pajammie" pants. My friend overheard it, and asked me if he was asking if I wanted to wear pajamas. I had to explain that "pajama style" pants don't mean the same thing as pajamas do in North America. She then said it was weird that we took the word "pajama" from the English language. I had to tell her that it was actually the British who took the word from Indians during the British colonial rule of India from 1858 - 1947. Some other examples of everyday words borrowed from Hindi/Urdu/Arabic are: shampoo, bungalow, avatar, orange, pepper, and punch! There are many!!
After shopping, we went down to the Forks and browsed for a bit. It was so great to be out of the house, away from all of the commotion. She dropped me off at home with just enough time to gather some stuff for dinner over at my sister-in-law's home (Sharron) for Easter.
Sharron is one of the MOST AMAZING chefs I know, so imagine showing up at her place and the smell of Easter ham is wafting throughout the house! Fortunately, she also made several vegetarian side dishes, so along with what I had brought from home, we didn't feel too left out. She even made an out-of-this-world sweet potato pie with a pecan crust for dessert, and it was eggless and meatless (i.e. the crust was not made with lard).
While we were eating dessert, we started to recount the story of my dad's passing and all of the signs. When we got to the part about heading out to the crematorium, and how we had no idea where we were going or if we were even going in the right direction, my mother-in-law pipes up and says that she was there JUST the day before making plans for her own funeral!!
What's further ironic is that my mother-in-law grew up just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from the crematorium (long before the cemetery or crematorium were placed there). Up until Wednesday, none of us had ever even heard of this cemetery or crematorium, and then, within a 24-hour period, ALL of us were there!?
We chatted a bit longer and then headed out.
Tomorrow will be another eventful day. We hope to pick up the ashes and dispose of them (as per my father's wishes) before noon, when the movers will show up at my mom's house to move her belongings into storage.
I really haven't been affected by the selling of my childhood home, but I have to say, tomorrow might be a little sad. Saying goodbye to my Dad last Tuesday, and now the house less than a week later ... it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
Wish me luck with the seamstress tomorrow. Did I mention, she doesn't speak English? This ought to be fun!
For anyone who hasn't read the book, it's a story about a woman who has a personal crisis of sorts, followed by the realization that she's lost herself along the way. The book/movie chronicles her journey across the world to find herself again. Personally, I found the book more rewarding than the movie, but I thought the story line was great.
I must've fallen asleep during the movie and woke up around 11am! I don't even know the last time I did that!
I woke up and made dinner for tonight (chickpea curry with rice pilaf) as I was planning to be out for the remainder of the day.
Around 1pm one of my best friends, really more like a sister, came by to pick me up to take me shopping at one of the local indian stores. We perused the myriad of outfits, with dizzying patterns, and some of the most ornate embroidery you'll ever see. Indians are not afraid of colour, and if you can imagine a colour, chances are it exists in some way, shape or form in an Indian outfit.
There are three main types of outfits for women -
saris - fabric ranging from 4-9 metres in length, wrapped around the body in a multitude of styles
lehengas (long or short top with a long skirt),
and a salwar kameez (usually a long top with MC hammer-like pants, that are either really loose and billowy like super-wide bell-bottoms, or tighter like leggings)
I finally made the decision to purchase two sets of fabric which were both unfinished products (i.e. I need a seamstress to sew the outfits for me). I asked the shop owner if it would be possible to get both sewn by Wednesday (for pick-up) and he asked if I could come back on Monday for all the measurements to be taken. Unfortunately, with all of the events tomorrow, there's no way I'd be able to squeeze in an early morning 30 km round trip in. Besides, if the measurements were wrong, I'd have to make this trip a few times and that's just not feasible with everything else that needs to be done.
He asked what part of town I live in, and when I told him, he said that the seamstress was in the same part of town. As it turns out, I can almost LITERALLY see her backyard from my backyard! I've chosen to get both made in the salwar kameez style. I'm not big on skirts or dresses, so the pants will suit me just fine. For anyone who has never tried on an Indian outfit, let me say that as ornate as they may look, they are some of the most comfortable clothing you'll ever wear. I'll head over to the seamstress in the morning and get measured so that she can start sewing. I can't wait to see the finished product.
Here's a funny story - As I was chatting with the shop owner telling him what style of suit I wanted, he asked if I wanted "pajammie" pants. My friend overheard it, and asked me if he was asking if I wanted to wear pajamas. I had to explain that "pajama style" pants don't mean the same thing as pajamas do in North America. She then said it was weird that we took the word "pajama" from the English language. I had to tell her that it was actually the British who took the word from Indians during the British colonial rule of India from 1858 - 1947. Some other examples of everyday words borrowed from Hindi/Urdu/Arabic are: shampoo, bungalow, avatar, orange, pepper, and punch! There are many!!
After shopping, we went down to the Forks and browsed for a bit. It was so great to be out of the house, away from all of the commotion. She dropped me off at home with just enough time to gather some stuff for dinner over at my sister-in-law's home (Sharron) for Easter.
Sharron is one of the MOST AMAZING chefs I know, so imagine showing up at her place and the smell of Easter ham is wafting throughout the house! Fortunately, she also made several vegetarian side dishes, so along with what I had brought from home, we didn't feel too left out. She even made an out-of-this-world sweet potato pie with a pecan crust for dessert, and it was eggless and meatless (i.e. the crust was not made with lard).
While we were eating dessert, we started to recount the story of my dad's passing and all of the signs. When we got to the part about heading out to the crematorium, and how we had no idea where we were going or if we were even going in the right direction, my mother-in-law pipes up and says that she was there JUST the day before making plans for her own funeral!!
What's further ironic is that my mother-in-law grew up just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from the crematorium (long before the cemetery or crematorium were placed there). Up until Wednesday, none of us had ever even heard of this cemetery or crematorium, and then, within a 24-hour period, ALL of us were there!?
We chatted a bit longer and then headed out.
Tomorrow will be another eventful day. We hope to pick up the ashes and dispose of them (as per my father's wishes) before noon, when the movers will show up at my mom's house to move her belongings into storage.
I really haven't been affected by the selling of my childhood home, but I have to say, tomorrow might be a little sad. Saying goodbye to my Dad last Tuesday, and now the house less than a week later ... it'll be interesting, if nothing else.
Wish me luck with the seamstress tomorrow. Did I mention, she doesn't speak English? This ought to be fun!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sometimes it's the little things that matter most
My nephew and his girlfriend slept over last night. We stayed up quite late chatting and went to bed around 1am. With a puppy in the house it means you don't get to sleep in forever, but we did sleep until a little after 8am. Romeo was more than happy to paw at the guest bedroom door to see our guests and was quite content to lay with them and enjoy cuddling and being cuddled.
We went out for breakfast this morning to one of my favourite places (Edna Fedya) then went to one of my next favourite places (Starbucks) then drove around a bit and showed me nephew and his girlfriend some of the local flooding near the river.
After the tour, we went to visit my nephew's great-aunt. She's an absolute gem of a lady - sweet like candy and ADORABLE! I haven't seen her in almost a year, but the craziest thing is, even though she's a little grayer than I remember, she has the face of someone at least 25 years her junior! She's 82 and doesn't have a single wrinkle - not one!
We spent some time with her, then my sister and her husband came to visit as well. My brother-in-law's Dad and this lady are brother and sister (how confusing!).
Her brother (90 years old) had a fall recently and broke his hip and fractured his femur. He's been in the hospital for the last month in Toronto, and she's not been able to speak with him because she couldn't seem to navigate the automated system to the hospital's phone system, and she was having an awful time with feedback from her hearing aide and the phone.
I asked her if her phones were hearing aide compatible and she wasn't sure what I meant, so I went and checked all her phones but was disappointed to find that they didn't have any settings to make the situation any better.
My brother-in-law suggested that we hit up an electronics store to see if we could find a hearing aide compatible phone. I made a few phone calls and we decided to head out to London Drugs to buy a phone for her.
We came back, set up the phone for her, and made a phone call to the hospital so she could speak with her brother. The phone worked splendidly and she was able to speak with him without any issues from her hearing aide for the first time in over a month! She truly looked like she was about to cry she was so happy!
It was like one of those documentaries that you see where someone is born deaf but, through the miracle of surgery, is able to hear for the first time. Or it's like seeing in black-and-white your whole life and then seeing in colour. I could hardly believe something that small could make such a difference. The joy on her face is not something that I will easily or quickly forget, and it was yet another reminder to appreciate everything we take for granted.
After our visit, we went to my niece's for dinner - veggie burgers, salad, and vegan cake. It was actually really good, and I'll definitely make it in the future for some special people (you know who you are!)
It's been another event-filled day, and I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep.
Sweet dreams ...
We went out for breakfast this morning to one of my favourite places (Edna Fedya) then went to one of my next favourite places (Starbucks) then drove around a bit and showed me nephew and his girlfriend some of the local flooding near the river.
After the tour, we went to visit my nephew's great-aunt. She's an absolute gem of a lady - sweet like candy and ADORABLE! I haven't seen her in almost a year, but the craziest thing is, even though she's a little grayer than I remember, she has the face of someone at least 25 years her junior! She's 82 and doesn't have a single wrinkle - not one!
We spent some time with her, then my sister and her husband came to visit as well. My brother-in-law's Dad and this lady are brother and sister (how confusing!).
Her brother (90 years old) had a fall recently and broke his hip and fractured his femur. He's been in the hospital for the last month in Toronto, and she's not been able to speak with him because she couldn't seem to navigate the automated system to the hospital's phone system, and she was having an awful time with feedback from her hearing aide and the phone.
I asked her if her phones were hearing aide compatible and she wasn't sure what I meant, so I went and checked all her phones but was disappointed to find that they didn't have any settings to make the situation any better.
My brother-in-law suggested that we hit up an electronics store to see if we could find a hearing aide compatible phone. I made a few phone calls and we decided to head out to London Drugs to buy a phone for her.
We came back, set up the phone for her, and made a phone call to the hospital so she could speak with her brother. The phone worked splendidly and she was able to speak with him without any issues from her hearing aide for the first time in over a month! She truly looked like she was about to cry she was so happy!
It was like one of those documentaries that you see where someone is born deaf but, through the miracle of surgery, is able to hear for the first time. Or it's like seeing in black-and-white your whole life and then seeing in colour. I could hardly believe something that small could make such a difference. The joy on her face is not something that I will easily or quickly forget, and it was yet another reminder to appreciate everything we take for granted.
After our visit, we went to my niece's for dinner - veggie burgers, salad, and vegan cake. It was actually really good, and I'll definitely make it in the future for some special people (you know who you are!)
It's been another event-filled day, and I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep.
Sweet dreams ...
Another Tough Moment
Today my father's obituary was published in the local paper. It was hard seeing his name and face under the obituary section. Another reminder that he's gone. The photo that was used is the photo from his 75th birthday celebration. His 75th birthday was also the day he found out he had cancer.
We had a family day yesterday at my eldest sister's house. Everyone was there and had breakfast/brunch together. Then we hung out together all day, shared some laughs, cooked (what else is new?) and watched some of the hockey game (well the guys did at least).
My two nephews and their girlfriends came over and spent some time at our place, then the older of the two left to return to my sister's place as his flight back to Calgary departed this morning at 7am.
Another packed day ahead. We're taking my nephew and his girlfriend out for breakfast. I have no idea what we're going to eat that's vegan? I feel good that we're still observing a vegetarian diet in honour of my Dad, but I have to say, I am looking forward to going back to a "regular diet". After breakfast, we might be heading over to my mom's house to sell a few more things from Kijiji, and then off to visit some relatives that I haven't seen in a long time. Then off for dinner at my niece's place.
The tears still come every now and then - sometimes when I least expect it. I wonder what will happen once the commotion is all over and I'm left to my own thoughts ... ? I guess only time will tell.
Make it a great one!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
More whispers ....
So the next step in the journey is complete.
I got a little more sleep, but woke up with another tension headache knowing what the day would bring.
I chatted with my niece in Edmonton today. She’ll be coming in next Wednesday for the Thursday service.
After breakfast, we got ready to go to the funeral home. We met the family there and we waited for my dad’s casket to be brought to the funeral home.
My Dad arrived shortly after we got there and they pulled the casket from the hearse. It was a nice-blue casket – the same colour as my dad’s 2nd car. He loved blue, red too. My nephew said the casket was “ballin’”(street speak for having money, and in this case, a glitzy casket). That’s my Dad’s style – (ever wonder why I have a jewelry addiction??)
It was an open casket and it was so hard to see my dad laying there. I asked my dad this morning to give me some direction on the pendants – was I to give him one, keep all three, give one to my brother …? I don’t know why, but I decided that I needed to put the male god pendant in his hand and keep the other two. I hope I made the right decision.
He was laying in the outfit that he requested – a red dress shirt, a gray jacket with a red pocket square, and white pants. I also wore red – I knew he would like that. I lost it when I went to the casket, but once I composed myself, I put his cologne on for him. I told him that I knew that he was with me yesterday based on all the signs he sent me. Everyone in the family also put some cologne on him. I always thought my addiction to all things nice-smelling was a result of my 5 years with The Body Shop, but truth be told my addiction started long before I worked for The Body Shop. Every year for my birthday and Christmas, my Dad and Mom would always buy me jewelry for my birthday (usually something blue topaz (my birthstone)), and perfume for Christmas.
We had a service at the funeral home performed by my brother and the temple’s pundit and then went to the actual crematorium. Sounds weird, eh?
In Indian culture, the eldest son is the one who actually starts the fire for the funeral pyre, but since we’re not in India, and things are a little more advanced here, my brother has to push the button to start the cremation. Talk about tough.
The crematorium is located in a rural area and is very much off-the-beaten-path. We had no idea where we were going and the instructions we had were pretty vague, culminating with “it’s near some mailboxes”. As we were driving down the winding road, I said to Darwin (since we were the first ones there)that I didn’t think we were on the right road. Up ahead, there was a goose on the gravel road, and I leaned over, as I normally do, to honk the horn and give the birds a fighting chance against Darwin! I don’t know if this is normal or not, but I’ve never seen a Canadian Goose, singular. They’re ALWAYS in pairs. But this goose was alone. Normally, they get out of the way when we honk, but this goose actually stood at the side of the road and started hissing at us!!! And if that wasn’t enough, he then took flight and started following us down the road!!!!! It HAD to be my Dad telling us we were going the right way!!
We got to the crematorium and had to wait for the casket to arrive. While we were all in the waiting area, I noticed that there was an end table in the corner with a National Geographic magazine with the Eiffel tower on it. My dad took me twice to Paris and would always fondly remember our time at the Eiffel Tower. It had to be another sign. And on the wall, was a native Indian drawing of a bald eagle which was also symbolic because my brother said just a few days prior, a bald eagle had landed in his yard. He apparently has two couples of eagles that nest somewhere on his property, and they usually come together, but this was a sole bald eagle. More signs ….
We had one more set of rituals to complete before he was placed in the furnace. My brother, who never cries, finally broke down and could barely get through it, but managed to. Oddly enough, I didn’t even really cry during that part even though my mom and siblings were all very upset. It wasn’t until my brother hit the button to start the process that it really got to me.
We all went back to my sister’s place for more cooking and dinner, and are planning a family brunch tomorrow at her place while everyone is still here. It started to rain when we got to my sister’s and I’m sure my Dad had a little something to do with that. He held back the rain until we were all done. I think he sent the rain for me – he knows I love the rain, and although I am not an outdoor person, the fastest way to get me outside is to make it rain. Sounds like a corny singles ad, but “I love long walks in the rain” – seriously.
The pundit said that a diya (oil lamp) should be lit each day from now until my Dad’s service to remove darkness and help him on his journey.
Although my Dad is a Hindu and my mom was born a Muslim, I was baptized and confirmed as a Christian, but celebrated all three. I always thought my Dad’s statues were so, well ... strange. Half-man-half-monkey, half-man-half-elephant, goddesses with eight arms … and though I never worshiped in front of one and never had one in my house, I was compelled to pick them up from the hospice yesterday and keep them. Now I know why – I will light the diya in front of the gods each day until his service to ease his journey.
Again, thank you all for the emails, cards, flowers,thoughts, phone calls, condolences, and support. A special thank you to a special someone who honoured my father’s memory today by enjoying a vegetarian lunch.
On that note, I can’t believe that I’ve actually gone two days without meat! Yeah ME! It’s still hard, and takes a LOT more planning than usual. Of course, as with all things Hindu, it’s not as simple as just eating vegetarian – there are also restrictions on what type of vegetarian food (i.e. it can’t be fried, it shouldn’t be cooked in pots/pans that have had meat cooked in them etc). We are doing the best that we can without going to the nth degree. It’s just not feasible for us.
Anyway – back to the kitchen for me. I need to prep some stuff for brunch tomorrow, and then off to bed.
Good night everyone.
I got a little more sleep, but woke up with another tension headache knowing what the day would bring.
I chatted with my niece in Edmonton today. She’ll be coming in next Wednesday for the Thursday service.
After breakfast, we got ready to go to the funeral home. We met the family there and we waited for my dad’s casket to be brought to the funeral home.
My Dad arrived shortly after we got there and they pulled the casket from the hearse. It was a nice-blue casket – the same colour as my dad’s 2nd car. He loved blue, red too. My nephew said the casket was “ballin’”(street speak for having money, and in this case, a glitzy casket). That’s my Dad’s style – (ever wonder why I have a jewelry addiction??)
It was an open casket and it was so hard to see my dad laying there. I asked my dad this morning to give me some direction on the pendants – was I to give him one, keep all three, give one to my brother …? I don’t know why, but I decided that I needed to put the male god pendant in his hand and keep the other two. I hope I made the right decision.
He was laying in the outfit that he requested – a red dress shirt, a gray jacket with a red pocket square, and white pants. I also wore red – I knew he would like that. I lost it when I went to the casket, but once I composed myself, I put his cologne on for him. I told him that I knew that he was with me yesterday based on all the signs he sent me. Everyone in the family also put some cologne on him. I always thought my addiction to all things nice-smelling was a result of my 5 years with The Body Shop, but truth be told my addiction started long before I worked for The Body Shop. Every year for my birthday and Christmas, my Dad and Mom would always buy me jewelry for my birthday (usually something blue topaz (my birthstone)), and perfume for Christmas.
We had a service at the funeral home performed by my brother and the temple’s pundit and then went to the actual crematorium. Sounds weird, eh?
In Indian culture, the eldest son is the one who actually starts the fire for the funeral pyre, but since we’re not in India, and things are a little more advanced here, my brother has to push the button to start the cremation. Talk about tough.
The crematorium is located in a rural area and is very much off-the-beaten-path. We had no idea where we were going and the instructions we had were pretty vague, culminating with “it’s near some mailboxes”. As we were driving down the winding road, I said to Darwin (since we were the first ones there)that I didn’t think we were on the right road. Up ahead, there was a goose on the gravel road, and I leaned over, as I normally do, to honk the horn and give the birds a fighting chance against Darwin! I don’t know if this is normal or not, but I’ve never seen a Canadian Goose, singular. They’re ALWAYS in pairs. But this goose was alone. Normally, they get out of the way when we honk, but this goose actually stood at the side of the road and started hissing at us!!! And if that wasn’t enough, he then took flight and started following us down the road!!!!! It HAD to be my Dad telling us we were going the right way!!
We got to the crematorium and had to wait for the casket to arrive. While we were all in the waiting area, I noticed that there was an end table in the corner with a National Geographic magazine with the Eiffel tower on it. My dad took me twice to Paris and would always fondly remember our time at the Eiffel Tower. It had to be another sign. And on the wall, was a native Indian drawing of a bald eagle which was also symbolic because my brother said just a few days prior, a bald eagle had landed in his yard. He apparently has two couples of eagles that nest somewhere on his property, and they usually come together, but this was a sole bald eagle. More signs ….
We had one more set of rituals to complete before he was placed in the furnace. My brother, who never cries, finally broke down and could barely get through it, but managed to. Oddly enough, I didn’t even really cry during that part even though my mom and siblings were all very upset. It wasn’t until my brother hit the button to start the process that it really got to me.
We all went back to my sister’s place for more cooking and dinner, and are planning a family brunch tomorrow at her place while everyone is still here. It started to rain when we got to my sister’s and I’m sure my Dad had a little something to do with that. He held back the rain until we were all done. I think he sent the rain for me – he knows I love the rain, and although I am not an outdoor person, the fastest way to get me outside is to make it rain. Sounds like a corny singles ad, but “I love long walks in the rain” – seriously.
The pundit said that a diya (oil lamp) should be lit each day from now until my Dad’s service to remove darkness and help him on his journey.
Although my Dad is a Hindu and my mom was born a Muslim, I was baptized and confirmed as a Christian, but celebrated all three. I always thought my Dad’s statues were so, well ... strange. Half-man-half-monkey, half-man-half-elephant, goddesses with eight arms … and though I never worshiped in front of one and never had one in my house, I was compelled to pick them up from the hospice yesterday and keep them. Now I know why – I will light the diya in front of the gods each day until his service to ease his journey.
Again, thank you all for the emails, cards, flowers,thoughts, phone calls, condolences, and support. A special thank you to a special someone who honoured my father’s memory today by enjoying a vegetarian lunch.
On that note, I can’t believe that I’ve actually gone two days without meat! Yeah ME! It’s still hard, and takes a LOT more planning than usual. Of course, as with all things Hindu, it’s not as simple as just eating vegetarian – there are also restrictions on what type of vegetarian food (i.e. it can’t be fried, it shouldn’t be cooked in pots/pans that have had meat cooked in them etc). We are doing the best that we can without going to the nth degree. It’s just not feasible for us.
Anyway – back to the kitchen for me. I need to prep some stuff for brunch tomorrow, and then off to bed.
Good night everyone.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Listen ... the universe is whispering
First off, thank you to everyone for the kind words, emails, flowers, phone calls etc
I'm still not up for talking right now with anyone, but I feel today was a turning point of sorts.
Weird - exactly 24 hours ago I sent an email saying that my Dad had just passed a few hours earlier. Who knew that taking pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard)would be so therapeutic? Four very weird things happened today ….
Not a whole lot of sleep last night. I listened to some of my dad’s favourite songs while I was in bed, and had a good cry. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 or 4, and woke up around 6:20am. I must’ve fallen back to sleep and woke up to a ringing phone at 8:45am. It was my niece calling to make arrangements to come and pick me up and take me to the hospice to pack my dad’s things.
I’m so used to having a good breakfast (eggs, toast etc) but was a little lost this morning trying to think of all the things we need to do over the next 10 days. I had to break the news to Darwin that we can’t cook, eat or serve meat in our house (or anywhere else for that matter) until the services are over. As a hard-core meat-atarian, I don’t know how I’ll survive without a burger!
I went to the hospice with my niece and one of the nurses un-locked his room so we could collect his belongings. His room was eerily quiet. No oxygen tanks, no commotion, no nurses – no dad.
I started to pack up his things, and things that I used to scoff at all of a sudden meant the world to me. I took a miniature bottle of Old Spice – my dad’s “signature” scent (I hate the stuff, but that’s what he wanted from me for every birthday and every Father’s day). I took some of his CDs, a father’s day plaque that I gave him years ago, and the two hindu statues that were by his bedside last night when he passed away. It was really hard, but my niece and I had a few laughs along the way.
After the hospice she and I went to Michael’s to get some beads. I wanted to make a bracelet for each of my sisters and my mom. So there we were, faced with a wall of glittery, shiny Swarovski beads, with all sorts of pendants and jewelry when weird thing #1 happened. As I was traveling down the wall looking for the perfect beads, right at eye-level there was a small cardboard card with three dangling pendants of Hindu gods! There was absolutely no reason for those pendants to be there – they were so obviously out of place, and quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it at Michael’s before. I told my niece that my Dad was speaking to me and letting me know that he was doing great. I bought the pendants and am debating if I keep them or put them in his hands before the cremation tomorrow. I don’t know if he wanted me to get them for his journey or if he wants me to have them to remember him? I’ll have to decide quickly …
My niece and I went out for a late lunch at Earl’s(vegetarian kung pao). Just what I needed – something spicy and warm to warm me up. My dad LOVED spicy food.
I went home after lunch and got a call from my sister saying that I had to go get my nephew and his girlfriend at the airport. I was so sleep deprived and had the WORST tension headache ever, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
As we were waiting just outside of the airport to get my nephew, weird thing #2 happened. It was raining but sunny at the same time and we saw a rainbow. I told Darwin that it was my Dad again letting me know that he's ok.
As we were driving to my sister’s house from the airport, I pulled out the pendants to show my nephew and recount the story to him - that’s when weird thing #3 happened. I noticed that the card that the pendants were attached to said “4 pieces”, but one was missing. Was that why my Dad wanted me to buy those pendants? Does that missing piece represent him??
So we got to my sister’s place and although the last thing I wanted was to be around people, it turns out that’s probably exactly what I needed. I helped my sister make some rotis in preparation for the 7 extra people that are currently living in her house. I also got Darwin to bring some food over from our house to my sister’s – it’s the least I can do.
I left my sister’s place, sans headache!, and came home and finally feel like a weight has been lifted.
Tomorrow is the cremation. There will be a number of rituals that will need to be performed, including my brother shaving his head (which I think he’ll do tomorrow). The “service” will happen at 2pm and the cremation will happen at 5:30pm in a different location.
There’s some debate on the 10-day service. Is it 10 days from death? 10 days from the cremation?? We’ve finally settled on 10 days from death, with the day of death being day 1, so the public service will actually be next Thursday. I will provide details later.
It’s shortly after 11pm and I feel like I might actually get a good night’s sleep. Looking forward to it.
Oh yeah …. Weird thing#4 ….
So most of you know that I’m addicted to American Idol this season. We PVR’d it and I started the replay of Idol while I sat down to “blog”. A few songs in, Jacob Lusk, one of the contestants, started to talk about the song he was going to sing tonight - “Dance with my Father” by Luther Vandross!!! I LITERALLY just posted the link to this song on my Facebook account 19 minutes before he sang it. Incidentally, this was a song I chose nearly 2years ago to have a friend of mine sing at my Dad’s funeral! I listened to this song over and over again last night, thinking about my Dad, and here was Jacob singing it to millions of people, and ME. Among others, he dedicated it to people who have lost their Dad. He nearly lost it on stage while he sang it, but he saved it and pulled it together.
While I wouldn’t consider myself “religious”, I do consider myself a “spiritual person”. Oprah Winfrey started her own network this year called OWN, also an acronym for Oprah Winfrey Network. She has a series called “Masterclass with …” and she features really great, inspiring people. I recently watched an episode that I PVR’d, and the master class featured Oprah herself. She said something profound that resonated with me. The context in which she shared it was different than my situation, but I still feel it’s applicable for me. She said “The universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers …If you don’t pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder …If you don’t pay attention,the brick wall falls down …What are the whispers? What’s whispering to you now?”
My Dad whispered to me today – several times. He’s saying he’s ok and that we need not worry. He’s telling us that we all did right by him and that it’s time to let go and move on.
And with that, I bid you good night.
I'm still not up for talking right now with anyone, but I feel today was a turning point of sorts.
Weird - exactly 24 hours ago I sent an email saying that my Dad had just passed a few hours earlier. Who knew that taking pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard)would be so therapeutic? Four very weird things happened today ….
Not a whole lot of sleep last night. I listened to some of my dad’s favourite songs while I was in bed, and had a good cry. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 or 4, and woke up around 6:20am. I must’ve fallen back to sleep and woke up to a ringing phone at 8:45am. It was my niece calling to make arrangements to come and pick me up and take me to the hospice to pack my dad’s things.
I’m so used to having a good breakfast (eggs, toast etc) but was a little lost this morning trying to think of all the things we need to do over the next 10 days. I had to break the news to Darwin that we can’t cook, eat or serve meat in our house (or anywhere else for that matter) until the services are over. As a hard-core meat-atarian, I don’t know how I’ll survive without a burger!
I went to the hospice with my niece and one of the nurses un-locked his room so we could collect his belongings. His room was eerily quiet. No oxygen tanks, no commotion, no nurses – no dad.
I started to pack up his things, and things that I used to scoff at all of a sudden meant the world to me. I took a miniature bottle of Old Spice – my dad’s “signature” scent (I hate the stuff, but that’s what he wanted from me for every birthday and every Father’s day). I took some of his CDs, a father’s day plaque that I gave him years ago, and the two hindu statues that were by his bedside last night when he passed away. It was really hard, but my niece and I had a few laughs along the way.
After the hospice she and I went to Michael’s to get some beads. I wanted to make a bracelet for each of my sisters and my mom. So there we were, faced with a wall of glittery, shiny Swarovski beads, with all sorts of pendants and jewelry when weird thing #1 happened. As I was traveling down the wall looking for the perfect beads, right at eye-level there was a small cardboard card with three dangling pendants of Hindu gods! There was absolutely no reason for those pendants to be there – they were so obviously out of place, and quite frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it at Michael’s before. I told my niece that my Dad was speaking to me and letting me know that he was doing great. I bought the pendants and am debating if I keep them or put them in his hands before the cremation tomorrow. I don’t know if he wanted me to get them for his journey or if he wants me to have them to remember him? I’ll have to decide quickly …
My niece and I went out for a late lunch at Earl’s(vegetarian kung pao). Just what I needed – something spicy and warm to warm me up. My dad LOVED spicy food.
I went home after lunch and got a call from my sister saying that I had to go get my nephew and his girlfriend at the airport. I was so sleep deprived and had the WORST tension headache ever, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
As we were waiting just outside of the airport to get my nephew, weird thing #2 happened. It was raining but sunny at the same time and we saw a rainbow. I told Darwin that it was my Dad again letting me know that he's ok.
As we were driving to my sister’s house from the airport, I pulled out the pendants to show my nephew and recount the story to him - that’s when weird thing #3 happened. I noticed that the card that the pendants were attached to said “4 pieces”, but one was missing. Was that why my Dad wanted me to buy those pendants? Does that missing piece represent him??
So we got to my sister’s place and although the last thing I wanted was to be around people, it turns out that’s probably exactly what I needed. I helped my sister make some rotis in preparation for the 7 extra people that are currently living in her house. I also got Darwin to bring some food over from our house to my sister’s – it’s the least I can do.
I left my sister’s place, sans headache!, and came home and finally feel like a weight has been lifted.
Tomorrow is the cremation. There will be a number of rituals that will need to be performed, including my brother shaving his head (which I think he’ll do tomorrow). The “service” will happen at 2pm and the cremation will happen at 5:30pm in a different location.
There’s some debate on the 10-day service. Is it 10 days from death? 10 days from the cremation?? We’ve finally settled on 10 days from death, with the day of death being day 1, so the public service will actually be next Thursday. I will provide details later.
It’s shortly after 11pm and I feel like I might actually get a good night’s sleep. Looking forward to it.
Oh yeah …. Weird thing#4 ….
So most of you know that I’m addicted to American Idol this season. We PVR’d it and I started the replay of Idol while I sat down to “blog”. A few songs in, Jacob Lusk, one of the contestants, started to talk about the song he was going to sing tonight - “Dance with my Father” by Luther Vandross!!! I LITERALLY just posted the link to this song on my Facebook account 19 minutes before he sang it. Incidentally, this was a song I chose nearly 2years ago to have a friend of mine sing at my Dad’s funeral! I listened to this song over and over again last night, thinking about my Dad, and here was Jacob singing it to millions of people, and ME. Among others, he dedicated it to people who have lost their Dad. He nearly lost it on stage while he sang it, but he saved it and pulled it together.
While I wouldn’t consider myself “religious”, I do consider myself a “spiritual person”. Oprah Winfrey started her own network this year called OWN, also an acronym for Oprah Winfrey Network. She has a series called “Masterclass with …” and she features really great, inspiring people. I recently watched an episode that I PVR’d, and the master class featured Oprah herself. She said something profound that resonated with me. The context in which she shared it was different than my situation, but I still feel it’s applicable for me. She said “The universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers …If you don’t pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder …If you don’t pay attention,the brick wall falls down …What are the whispers? What’s whispering to you now?”
My Dad whispered to me today – several times. He’s saying he’s ok and that we need not worry. He’s telling us that we all did right by him and that it’s time to let go and move on.
And with that, I bid you good night.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Goodbye, Dad ...
The time has finally come. After 5 years and 11 weeks from his initial diagnosis, my dad passed away ever so peacefully tonight at approximately 8:40pm.
After leaving the hospice this afternoon, I managed to get home and grab a shower and a quick bite before heading back to my mom's place to do some more packing. My oldest sister and my brother stayed at the hospice with my dad while my mom and other sister went home to pack.
It always seems that there's not much left to do until you get to the house and realize just how much there IS left to do.
I came back home and waited for my sister from Calgary to come over to eat dinner before she and I went back to the hospice to relieve my brother (who had been there since 3 this morning).
My oldest sister also managed to slip out long enough to go home and get a bite, and she also decided to return, even though she thought she might just stay home for the night and return early tomorrow morning. We opted to leave my mom at my sister's place for the night. She can get in the way at times and somehow often manages to make my dad's illness all about herself.
We got back to the hospice around 7pm and my niece met us there. We lit some tea lights around his hindu statues and said a prayer for him. While my brother took my dad's hands to touch the statues, a tear came from my dad's eye. Again, he was not coherent, but it's like he knew.
My sister (from Calgary) had brought some jewelry beads along with her that she wanted me to help her make a bracelet with. I brought all of my jewelry making stuff and she, my niece and I sat at the table in my dad's room and started making jewelry.
My dad's breathing was very laboured, sporadic, and also very congested. They had to aspirate him several times with a long tube but because he's so heavily drugged, it's likely that he didn't feel any pain or discomfort.
So the three of us are making jewelry and my oldest sister says that she's going to go home for the night and come back tomorrow, but not before she writes up some stuff on her computer to post to her blog tonight (we have lots of family overseas who are solely dependent on her blogs for updates). As she grabbed her computer, my dad started sputtering and flailing his arms. She went over to the bed and told him that she wasn't going to leave anymore, and instead she would stay at the hospice with me and my other sister for the night.
The nurse came in and gave him some more meds and my sister sat down with her laptop and started to write up her blog material.
The entire time we were making jewelry, I had an ear open on my dad's breathing. Every now and then he'd take just a little bit longer to take his next breath, and then all of a sudden, he just stopped breathing. I dropped everything and said, "Guys? I think Dad just stopped breathing??" My sisters said that everything was probably ok and that Dad had been breathing that way all day. I said, "No ...?! He hasn't taken a breath in a much longer time than normal ..." We all jumped up and went over to his bed. My two sisters and I along with my niece waited for what seemed like a lifetime for the next breath and it never came.
I checked his radial pulse and there was nothing, so I paged the nurse in immediately. She came in, and we continued to wait for him to breath. She grabbed her stethoscope and placed it to his heart and said that she heard a faint beat. We continued to wait, she checked it again, and then she said, "He's gone".
For all of his suffering over the past 5 years, and specifically over the past few weeks, it was truly poetic that his life would end exactly the way we'd want it to for him. No agitation, no crying, no fuss, no muss. In the end, everyone was exactly where they were destined to be at the moment of my dad's passing. My dad has always had a special place in his heart for his girls, and in the end, it was his three daughters and oldest granddaughter who were with him in his final moments.
I called Darwin at home and told him that my dad had just passed, so he went to my sister's place to get my mom and bring her to the hospice.
We stayed with him for about 2 hours, talking to him and holding his hands before we all decided to leave for the night. My niece and I will return tomorrow to pack up his belongings.
So I am finally off to bed, and hope to have the best night's sleep since Feb 1st when my dad left home. I've had a total of 2 hours sleep since 7am Monday morning and am looking forward to a peaceful night without the constant scare of the "middle of the night" phone call.
There will be a private (family only) cremation on Thursday, but we will be having a public ceremony on Friday April 29th and either Sunday May 1st or Monday May 2nd (depending on a few things).
I can provide more info as it becomes available.
It's been the craziest journey, but I'm thankful that I was where I was when it happened.
Good night everyone, and sleep tight.
After leaving the hospice this afternoon, I managed to get home and grab a shower and a quick bite before heading back to my mom's place to do some more packing. My oldest sister and my brother stayed at the hospice with my dad while my mom and other sister went home to pack.
It always seems that there's not much left to do until you get to the house and realize just how much there IS left to do.
I came back home and waited for my sister from Calgary to come over to eat dinner before she and I went back to the hospice to relieve my brother (who had been there since 3 this morning).
My oldest sister also managed to slip out long enough to go home and get a bite, and she also decided to return, even though she thought she might just stay home for the night and return early tomorrow morning. We opted to leave my mom at my sister's place for the night. She can get in the way at times and somehow often manages to make my dad's illness all about herself.
We got back to the hospice around 7pm and my niece met us there. We lit some tea lights around his hindu statues and said a prayer for him. While my brother took my dad's hands to touch the statues, a tear came from my dad's eye. Again, he was not coherent, but it's like he knew.
My sister (from Calgary) had brought some jewelry beads along with her that she wanted me to help her make a bracelet with. I brought all of my jewelry making stuff and she, my niece and I sat at the table in my dad's room and started making jewelry.
My dad's breathing was very laboured, sporadic, and also very congested. They had to aspirate him several times with a long tube but because he's so heavily drugged, it's likely that he didn't feel any pain or discomfort.
So the three of us are making jewelry and my oldest sister says that she's going to go home for the night and come back tomorrow, but not before she writes up some stuff on her computer to post to her blog tonight (we have lots of family overseas who are solely dependent on her blogs for updates). As she grabbed her computer, my dad started sputtering and flailing his arms. She went over to the bed and told him that she wasn't going to leave anymore, and instead she would stay at the hospice with me and my other sister for the night.
The nurse came in and gave him some more meds and my sister sat down with her laptop and started to write up her blog material.
The entire time we were making jewelry, I had an ear open on my dad's breathing. Every now and then he'd take just a little bit longer to take his next breath, and then all of a sudden, he just stopped breathing. I dropped everything and said, "Guys? I think Dad just stopped breathing??" My sisters said that everything was probably ok and that Dad had been breathing that way all day. I said, "No ...?! He hasn't taken a breath in a much longer time than normal ..." We all jumped up and went over to his bed. My two sisters and I along with my niece waited for what seemed like a lifetime for the next breath and it never came.
I checked his radial pulse and there was nothing, so I paged the nurse in immediately. She came in, and we continued to wait for him to breath. She grabbed her stethoscope and placed it to his heart and said that she heard a faint beat. We continued to wait, she checked it again, and then she said, "He's gone".
For all of his suffering over the past 5 years, and specifically over the past few weeks, it was truly poetic that his life would end exactly the way we'd want it to for him. No agitation, no crying, no fuss, no muss. In the end, everyone was exactly where they were destined to be at the moment of my dad's passing. My dad has always had a special place in his heart for his girls, and in the end, it was his three daughters and oldest granddaughter who were with him in his final moments.
I called Darwin at home and told him that my dad had just passed, so he went to my sister's place to get my mom and bring her to the hospice.
We stayed with him for about 2 hours, talking to him and holding his hands before we all decided to leave for the night. My niece and I will return tomorrow to pack up his belongings.
So I am finally off to bed, and hope to have the best night's sleep since Feb 1st when my dad left home. I've had a total of 2 hours sleep since 7am Monday morning and am looking forward to a peaceful night without the constant scare of the "middle of the night" phone call.
There will be a private (family only) cremation on Thursday, but we will be having a public ceremony on Friday April 29th and either Sunday May 1st or Monday May 2nd (depending on a few things).
I can provide more info as it becomes available.
It's been the craziest journey, but I'm thankful that I was where I was when it happened.
Good night everyone, and sleep tight.
Overnight update
Hi Everyone,
I've been at the hospice all night. We got a call from my sister around 2:10am saying that my dad's breathing has changed/declined rapidly and that it would be a good idea if the family came down.
Darwin and I had JUST seen him about 14 hours previously and he was "fine", and was fine up until around 10pm last night, but things have taken a turn for the worse.
His breathing is very laboured, and the nurses are giving him medication to deal with his congestion, his agitation and his pain. The pain meds are given every 4 hours to keep him pain-free, but he is no longer coherent, so we don't really know how much pain he's in. He occasionally gets agitated and his arms start to flail, so they try to keep him somewhat sedated.
I got about 2 hours of sleep last night, so I tried to get some shut-eye around 6am, but between my dad, the nurses, and the other patients, I gave up around 7:30 and decided to maybe try later.
My brother has done some religious rites (the eldest male has to do it) in preparation for my dad's next "journey" and we've all said our goodbyes to him, and given him the permission to leave us. We've also told him what we think he needs to hear - that we'll all take care of my mom and that there's nothing to worry about anymore.
I've left the hospice to come home, grab something to eat, shower, and then head back to the hospice or my parents' house (we still have stuff to do as possession date is next week). Someone from the family will be with my dad at all times so at least he won't be alone.
My sister-in-law who used to work in a hospital said that many people who know that they are dying are "waiting" for the right moment, and often after their family has gathered and given them permission to leave, they do. In many ways, with my sister's visit from Calgary planned for this week, I think we all thought that if it was going to happen, it would happen now. I don't wish his passing, but I wish that he no longer suffers.
Anyway - thanks for listening, reading and your support.
I'll update again when I can.
I've been at the hospice all night. We got a call from my sister around 2:10am saying that my dad's breathing has changed/declined rapidly and that it would be a good idea if the family came down.
Darwin and I had JUST seen him about 14 hours previously and he was "fine", and was fine up until around 10pm last night, but things have taken a turn for the worse.
His breathing is very laboured, and the nurses are giving him medication to deal with his congestion, his agitation and his pain. The pain meds are given every 4 hours to keep him pain-free, but he is no longer coherent, so we don't really know how much pain he's in. He occasionally gets agitated and his arms start to flail, so they try to keep him somewhat sedated.
I got about 2 hours of sleep last night, so I tried to get some shut-eye around 6am, but between my dad, the nurses, and the other patients, I gave up around 7:30 and decided to maybe try later.
My brother has done some religious rites (the eldest male has to do it) in preparation for my dad's next "journey" and we've all said our goodbyes to him, and given him the permission to leave us. We've also told him what we think he needs to hear - that we'll all take care of my mom and that there's nothing to worry about anymore.
I've left the hospice to come home, grab something to eat, shower, and then head back to the hospice or my parents' house (we still have stuff to do as possession date is next week). Someone from the family will be with my dad at all times so at least he won't be alone.
My sister-in-law who used to work in a hospital said that many people who know that they are dying are "waiting" for the right moment, and often after their family has gathered and given them permission to leave, they do. In many ways, with my sister's visit from Calgary planned for this week, I think we all thought that if it was going to happen, it would happen now. I don't wish his passing, but I wish that he no longer suffers.
Anyway - thanks for listening, reading and your support.
I'll update again when I can.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Update and disasters
As promised, I'm trying to be better at updating you guys with everything that's going on.
I can't believe another week has lapsed - in some ways it feels like hardly anything, but in other ways, it feels like a month.
I took Tuesday off after the scare on the weekend. After all of the excitement and anxiety, I really didn't feel like I was mentally in a good place and called in "sick" on Tuesday. I feel so guilty for missing work, but I think I would've been a puddle of tears had I gone. So much stress!
I saw my dad on Monday and Wednesday this week. Wednesday's visit was a little lighter in the sense that Ernie, the volunteer at the hospital who plays guitar on Wednesdays for the patients, was there. Joe and my mom were with me too, and we had a great visit with my dad. Although my dad's energy is still very low, Darwin and I accompanied Ernie while he played and sang a few of my dad's favourite songs. At one point he was even tapping his hand on the bed rails while we sang. One of the aides came by as we were singing and she started to dance in the hallway and said that she got goosebumps while we sang "Bridge over troubled water" - I think she was being kind. :) The weird thing is later that night Jacob Lusk (on American Idol) sang Bridge over Troubled Water!
Saturday was a partial moving day which turned out to be a disaster.
First off, my sister from Calgary who was supposed to arrive in Winnipeg at 12:30pm, forgot her i.d. and was denied boarding in Calgary which meant that she wasn't going to get into Winnipeg until almost 11pm. The movers that were supposed to show up at 1pm didn't show until 3:45pm. If it weren't for the moving itself, I would've told the movers to leave out of spite when they finally got there, but it wasn't really an option. I used my usual Sophie-negotiation skills and managed to pay only $75 instead of the projected $180. That being said, because they've proven unreliable, I had to try and find another mover today for the remainder of the move next Monday.
We had a wonderful and much needed dinner out with Tony and Andrea, affectionately known as T&A, at a new east Indian restaurant (new for us, but not new to Winnipeg). The food was good and the company was great. Tony and Joe ordered one indian beer each and when they asked for a second Kingfisher, they were told that they didn't have any left. They asked for a Cobra beer (another indian beer) but were told they didn't have any of that either. ??? I guess it's a restaurant, not a bar? :) T&A shared some awesome videos of LoJo (their 6 month old baby). Her name is Lauren Joelle, and she's one of the most precious babies I've ever met. She has a full head of hair which I affectionately call her "ridiculous wig". It's the sweetest thing I've seen in a long time. After dinner we went out to Indigo books (aka STARBUCKS) for tea/coffee and chatting. It was awesome and for a few moments, I felt "normal" again.
My sister from Calgary arrived safely and called me this morning to find out what else needed to be packed at the house. I started going down the list and then asked her why she wasn't asking mom. Apparently, mom "doesn't know what else needs to be packed"???????? It's her house, she's there a few times a week packing stuff up, but she doesn't know what else needs to be packed??
I told my sister I was not going to be going to the hospice or the house today and that she and mom would have to try and figure out what else needs to be done. SO FRUSTRATING!
I caught up on a bit of sleep this morning. My new addiction? A sleeping bag on my pilates mat with my dog by my side (inside the sleeping bag). Very comforting. :)
This afternoon I got some much needed girl time. Although it was for Dena's birthday (April 11th) I think I got as much out of it as she hopefully did. 5 of us got together for pedicures and cheesecake and some girl time. I think it's something we need to do monthly going forward.
Another busy day tomorrow. Personal appointments for me and Joe, a visit to the hospice, and then more packing at the house. I also need to make arrangements for Oyate Tipi to pick up some donated stuff. Oyate Tipi is a non-profit organization that gives items to women and children who are escaping abusive situations. I'd much rather give it to someone that truly needs it than to give it to the salvation army for free so they can in turn sell it back to someone else.
We are hoping that everything gets wrapped up by Thursday so that we don't spend the Easter weekend working on the house.
The final move will be on the 25th, and thankfully my sister has that day off too.
Thank you to everyone who has emailed this week. The offers of yoga, coffee, dinner out, dinner delivered to our place, helping with the move etc is beyond kind. I haven't taken anyone up on their offer - yet :) and it is humbling to know that I have such a strong network of friends. There are no words to express my gratitude for your thoughtfulness and consideration - TRULY.
For now, my "therapy" is as always my baking and cooking. I try to take something to the hospice each week for the nurses, aides, and staff. I am in awe of the entire staff, and have the utmost respect for the nurses. They are the most amazing people - ever.
Email is, for now, the best way to stay in touch. I don't really like to talk much these days, and I especially don't like to talk about everything that's going on, but know that I read your emails, and I listen to your voicemails and I treasure them all.
Try to have a great week everyone, and enjoy some family time over the Easter weekend.
I'll update next week (sooner if there's anything to report).
Much love to all.
I can't believe another week has lapsed - in some ways it feels like hardly anything, but in other ways, it feels like a month.
I took Tuesday off after the scare on the weekend. After all of the excitement and anxiety, I really didn't feel like I was mentally in a good place and called in "sick" on Tuesday. I feel so guilty for missing work, but I think I would've been a puddle of tears had I gone. So much stress!
I saw my dad on Monday and Wednesday this week. Wednesday's visit was a little lighter in the sense that Ernie, the volunteer at the hospital who plays guitar on Wednesdays for the patients, was there. Joe and my mom were with me too, and we had a great visit with my dad. Although my dad's energy is still very low, Darwin and I accompanied Ernie while he played and sang a few of my dad's favourite songs. At one point he was even tapping his hand on the bed rails while we sang. One of the aides came by as we were singing and she started to dance in the hallway and said that she got goosebumps while we sang "Bridge over troubled water" - I think she was being kind. :) The weird thing is later that night Jacob Lusk (on American Idol) sang Bridge over Troubled Water!
Saturday was a partial moving day which turned out to be a disaster.
First off, my sister from Calgary who was supposed to arrive in Winnipeg at 12:30pm, forgot her i.d. and was denied boarding in Calgary which meant that she wasn't going to get into Winnipeg until almost 11pm. The movers that were supposed to show up at 1pm didn't show until 3:45pm. If it weren't for the moving itself, I would've told the movers to leave out of spite when they finally got there, but it wasn't really an option. I used my usual Sophie-negotiation skills and managed to pay only $75 instead of the projected $180. That being said, because they've proven unreliable, I had to try and find another mover today for the remainder of the move next Monday.
We had a wonderful and much needed dinner out with Tony and Andrea, affectionately known as T&A, at a new east Indian restaurant (new for us, but not new to Winnipeg). The food was good and the company was great. Tony and Joe ordered one indian beer each and when they asked for a second Kingfisher, they were told that they didn't have any left. They asked for a Cobra beer (another indian beer) but were told they didn't have any of that either. ??? I guess it's a restaurant, not a bar? :) T&A shared some awesome videos of LoJo (their 6 month old baby). Her name is Lauren Joelle, and she's one of the most precious babies I've ever met. She has a full head of hair which I affectionately call her "ridiculous wig". It's the sweetest thing I've seen in a long time. After dinner we went out to Indigo books (aka STARBUCKS) for tea/coffee and chatting. It was awesome and for a few moments, I felt "normal" again.
My sister from Calgary arrived safely and called me this morning to find out what else needed to be packed at the house. I started going down the list and then asked her why she wasn't asking mom. Apparently, mom "doesn't know what else needs to be packed"???????? It's her house, she's there a few times a week packing stuff up, but she doesn't know what else needs to be packed??
I told my sister I was not going to be going to the hospice or the house today and that she and mom would have to try and figure out what else needs to be done. SO FRUSTRATING!
I caught up on a bit of sleep this morning. My new addiction? A sleeping bag on my pilates mat with my dog by my side (inside the sleeping bag). Very comforting. :)
This afternoon I got some much needed girl time. Although it was for Dena's birthday (April 11th) I think I got as much out of it as she hopefully did. 5 of us got together for pedicures and cheesecake and some girl time. I think it's something we need to do monthly going forward.
Another busy day tomorrow. Personal appointments for me and Joe, a visit to the hospice, and then more packing at the house. I also need to make arrangements for Oyate Tipi to pick up some donated stuff. Oyate Tipi is a non-profit organization that gives items to women and children who are escaping abusive situations. I'd much rather give it to someone that truly needs it than to give it to the salvation army for free so they can in turn sell it back to someone else.
We are hoping that everything gets wrapped up by Thursday so that we don't spend the Easter weekend working on the house.
The final move will be on the 25th, and thankfully my sister has that day off too.
Thank you to everyone who has emailed this week. The offers of yoga, coffee, dinner out, dinner delivered to our place, helping with the move etc is beyond kind. I haven't taken anyone up on their offer - yet :) and it is humbling to know that I have such a strong network of friends. There are no words to express my gratitude for your thoughtfulness and consideration - TRULY.
For now, my "therapy" is as always my baking and cooking. I try to take something to the hospice each week for the nurses, aides, and staff. I am in awe of the entire staff, and have the utmost respect for the nurses. They are the most amazing people - ever.
Email is, for now, the best way to stay in touch. I don't really like to talk much these days, and I especially don't like to talk about everything that's going on, but know that I read your emails, and I listen to your voicemails and I treasure them all.
Try to have a great week everyone, and enjoy some family time over the Easter weekend.
I'll update next week (sooner if there's anything to report).
Much love to all.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Long overdue update
Hi Everyone,
I know it's been a long time since I've emailed an update.
First - for those that have called, left messages etc and I haven't returned your call - it's not you, it's me. There is just so much going on and little to no time to make as many calls as I need to.
So .... for those that don't know, my Dad was moved out of our family home on Feb 1 due to an increased requirement for medical care. We moved him to Riverview and the first week was pretty rough as WE all knew that he wasn't coming home but we didn't have the courage to tell him.
Exactly one week later we were most fortunate to have a bed open at the Grace Hospice. They offer 24 hour care with nurse/patient ratios of at worst 3 to 1, and at best 1 on 1 care. It's the MOST unbelievable place, and we are SO blessed to have my dad's last weeks in such a caring environment.
We've had MANY challenges over the past two months with my dad, from his lack of compliance at times, his lack of appreciation for the amazing place he's in and the stress that his care has caused and is causing us. My brother and sister, my mom and I have spent as many hours at the hospice as humanly possible, but it never seems to be enough for my dad. That being said, we certainly recognize that he's scared and lonely, and has no idea what to expect.
The whole reason that my dad was moved was due to a pretty "significant" bleed at home from the tumor. It was enough to scare us and enough for us to know that none of us are trained to deal with this type of crisis. He's had a few bleeds since his move to the hospice but nothing "alarming" per se ... until today.
We got a call from the hospice saying that it was a significant bleed (by their standards, not ours) and that they thought it best that the family know and head down to the hospice. In essence, the risk of a full "bleed out" is imminent, and if it were to happen, he'd bleed out in less than 2 minutes. The bleed would happen from his carotid artery, and there would be nothing that the nurses could do other than to try and sedate him to reduce his anxiety. Pretty horrific if you ask me.
In the interim, my parents house has been sold and I've spent the last 3 weekends at the house packing. Darwin and I are also running back and forth between our house, the hospice and my parents' house as I've listed a number of items on Kijiji and have to meet the buyers. The good news is that we're getting rid of most stuff and will hopefully not have to put stuff in storage for my mom.
My mom has moved in with my sister for now, and we are looking into apartments for her. I think my sister and I have concluded that my mom living with either of us wouldn't be good for anyone, but on a temporary basis, it's tolerable.
This by far has been the most stressful weekend, and the "crisis" today was a reminder of just how precariously things hang in the balance right now.
I'll TRY to update weekly, but honestly, by the time Monday night rolls around, I can barely keep my eyes open. I go to the hospice every Monday, Wednesday for about 2 hours before work, Saturdays after work, and Sunday afternoons. I usually stay with him while he eats so that at least he has some company, but it's exhausting and although I need to slow down a bit, it's hard not to feel guilty when I'm not there.
Anyway - thank you all for your emails, calls, and voice mails. I'm NOT ignoring you, but sometimes I just don't have enough energy left over for even a quick phone call - x 10 :)
My promise to all of you is to TRY and update more often, even if it's something short.
Hugs and love to you all.
I know it's been a long time since I've emailed an update.
First - for those that have called, left messages etc and I haven't returned your call - it's not you, it's me. There is just so much going on and little to no time to make as many calls as I need to.
So .... for those that don't know, my Dad was moved out of our family home on Feb 1 due to an increased requirement for medical care. We moved him to Riverview and the first week was pretty rough as WE all knew that he wasn't coming home but we didn't have the courage to tell him.
Exactly one week later we were most fortunate to have a bed open at the Grace Hospice. They offer 24 hour care with nurse/patient ratios of at worst 3 to 1, and at best 1 on 1 care. It's the MOST unbelievable place, and we are SO blessed to have my dad's last weeks in such a caring environment.
We've had MANY challenges over the past two months with my dad, from his lack of compliance at times, his lack of appreciation for the amazing place he's in and the stress that his care has caused and is causing us. My brother and sister, my mom and I have spent as many hours at the hospice as humanly possible, but it never seems to be enough for my dad. That being said, we certainly recognize that he's scared and lonely, and has no idea what to expect.
The whole reason that my dad was moved was due to a pretty "significant" bleed at home from the tumor. It was enough to scare us and enough for us to know that none of us are trained to deal with this type of crisis. He's had a few bleeds since his move to the hospice but nothing "alarming" per se ... until today.
We got a call from the hospice saying that it was a significant bleed (by their standards, not ours) and that they thought it best that the family know and head down to the hospice. In essence, the risk of a full "bleed out" is imminent, and if it were to happen, he'd bleed out in less than 2 minutes. The bleed would happen from his carotid artery, and there would be nothing that the nurses could do other than to try and sedate him to reduce his anxiety. Pretty horrific if you ask me.
In the interim, my parents house has been sold and I've spent the last 3 weekends at the house packing. Darwin and I are also running back and forth between our house, the hospice and my parents' house as I've listed a number of items on Kijiji and have to meet the buyers. The good news is that we're getting rid of most stuff and will hopefully not have to put stuff in storage for my mom.
My mom has moved in with my sister for now, and we are looking into apartments for her. I think my sister and I have concluded that my mom living with either of us wouldn't be good for anyone, but on a temporary basis, it's tolerable.
This by far has been the most stressful weekend, and the "crisis" today was a reminder of just how precariously things hang in the balance right now.
I'll TRY to update weekly, but honestly, by the time Monday night rolls around, I can barely keep my eyes open. I go to the hospice every Monday, Wednesday for about 2 hours before work, Saturdays after work, and Sunday afternoons. I usually stay with him while he eats so that at least he has some company, but it's exhausting and although I need to slow down a bit, it's hard not to feel guilty when I'm not there.
Anyway - thank you all for your emails, calls, and voice mails. I'm NOT ignoring you, but sometimes I just don't have enough energy left over for even a quick phone call - x 10 :)
My promise to all of you is to TRY and update more often, even if it's something short.
Hugs and love to you all.
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